Ask The Therapist ‘I find it difficult to open up to people’

I am a 42-year-old man who has never been in a serious, long-term relationship. As I grow older, I feel more alone and hence there’s a need for a relationship. But being emotionally reclusive for such a long time, I find it difficult to open up to people. What can I do? — Name Withheld

Dear Writer, recognising that you want to have a special person to share the remainder of your life with is the first step towards opening up.

I would like to encourage you to think about and journal why you have not been able to commit to a relationship earlier in life, why you have become emotionally reclusive, and what your difficulties are in sharing your feelings. Try to learn from these insights and become proactive in changing any negative and fearful thoughts.

Emotionally opening up to someone can have a host of fears associated with it. Foremost among these are fears of rejection, vulnerability, abandonment, or commitment. Don’t let your fears prevent you from opening up to someone. If there is someone you like, take your time to get to know them and begin to build trust. If you have feelings for someone, share them. What people say in such situations ranges from “I really like spending time with you” to “I am starting to have feelings for you”.

It can make you feel vulnerable but, through open communication, you will discover if the feelings are mutual.

I would also encourage you to connect with people for friendship. The social platform “Meet-Up Dubai”, for example, is a place to socialise with groups of people that focus on specific activities. Such gatherings are an ideal place to make friends, share common interests and meet potential partners. Good friends will enrich your life and will help you overcome your loneliness.

I have not had a very good relationship with my mother for most part of my life. Now that I’m a mother to a five-year-old girl, I often wonder if that will impact my relationship with my child. Please advise. — Name Withheld

Dear Writer, I am sorry to hear that you have had a difficult relationship with your mother and hope that, in recent times, things have improved.

You and your mother might want to consider doing some relationship work to continue to improve your communication and understanding. By growing closer with your mother, it will set a good example for your daughter and help her see the rewards of a good parental relationship.

In my experience, I see the following pattern: if a mother has had a difficult relationship with her mother and is afraid of doing to her child what was done to her, she will be very careful to not repeat the pattern. On the other hand, when mothers lack awareness and insight into positive parenting techniques, they tend to repeat the cycle of dysfunction. Your writing to me tells me that you are aware and striving to be a different kind of parent than your mother was with you.

Social scientific research has shown that children who receive unconditional love from their parents are more likely to develop into healthy and happy adults, even if the parent makes mistakes (and all parents do make mistakes). You will make mistakes because this is part of the human condition, but if you continue to express your unconditional love for your daughter, the chances are she will grow up to be a well-adjusted, loving person.

Based on scientific studies in the field of pedagogy, the most appropriate style of parenting is the “authoritative” style. Combining an authoritative parenting style with positive parenting techniques will give you the tools to manage parenting challenges with the confidence that your child will thrive and experience a good childhood.

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