‘Don’t be afraid to show up’
In her memoir, My Glory Was I Had Such Friends, New Yorkbased author and attorney Amy Silverstein recounts her experience as she waited for a life-saving heart transplant surrounded by her friends. Silverstein tells Panna Munyal about the importance of friends such as these, and how they brought her back from the brink of hopelessness
Q Your friends helped you out when you were dealing with a serious illness. Would you say that having them around also contributed to your mental health?
A On a daily basis. I was getting sicker and losing hope by the minute. While my friends could not dig up fake optimism, they held me up by reminding me of who I am. Illness takes more than just a physical toll. When days drag on in the hospital, a patient can lose a sense of herself as a valuable person. I felt myself begin to slip away in the face of illness, starting to lose touch with the best parts of who I am. My friends pulled me back and kept me whole by making a point of telling me who I was to them. If they see me as strong, I can be strong. If they see me as brave, I will be brave. When a friend tells me she is in awe of my resilience, I am motivated to be resilient.
What are some of the most powerful ways in which two people can bond? For instance, conversation; your book mentions the distracting ‘best talks ever’ you had with your friends. One of the most powerful tools is a simple one, and we can all do it: just show up. In my book, I write about the women who showed up to save my life. I also write about my reluctance to let them be there for me in this very significant, almost intrusive way. But they persisted and, as a result, the bond among us is extraordinarily strong. So don’t be afraid to show up, even when a friend seems uncomfortable with it at first. Be present and pleasant and sensitive. In addition, being open and non-judgemental is a tool for bonding. Listening with open ears instead of judging is key.
What are some ways in which you bonded with these women before your health troubles arose?
I have had to ask my friends: “Why did you show up?” and they’ve said: “You’ve been there for us, Amy!” So what you put in, is what you get out. I’ve taken friends for breast biopsies. I’ve shown up when a colicky baby has brought a friend to the edge. I’ve taken late-night calls from friends who wanted to talk something through – yet again. And I’ve never for one minute made my friends feel that their “common, everyday problems” (as they might call them) were not as important or challenging as my trying health issues. This kind of reciprocity over time gets banked. It is not forgotten.
What’s your point of view on developing and maintaining longdistance friendships?
There is a chapter where I recount the relationship I have with my friend Valerie, who lives a plane ride away from me. And I found that distance actually imbues friendship with something that is uniquely valuable. With friends who live far away, we pay special attention when we talk on the phone, or Skype or FaceTime with them. We carve out a few moments from our day and let go of distractions while focusing on this friend and friendship. And friendships that are based on listening rather than frequent inperson contact can actually be more insightful and unbiased, because appearances cannot mask reality. Anyone living far from loved ones might try to view the benefits of distance in their relationships instead of just the drawbacks. Distance demands intention and attention. If an effort is made to talk regularly, the time spent can become special rather than an ordinary encounter.