Bereaved Mother’s Day – the gain in sharing
Little Angels leader made it a mission to help others in grief, Ramola Badam Talwar writes
Since 2010, the Sunday before the US marks Mother’s Day has been observed as Bereaved Mother’s Day. It is dedicated to the women who may feel only anguish when faced with the traditional celebration.
For Alexandra Sullivan, founder of non-profit support group Little Angels – Love Through Loss, a miscarriage, neonatal death and stillbirth support group in Dubai, the loss of her children was hard to open up to people about.
“It is not something people are comfortable talking about and this makes parents feel more alone,” she said. “There is a stigma linked to pregnancy and infant loss.”
For her, the UAE is yet to put into place the correct support processes, especially for those who are a long way from home and are without their family to help.
“My long-term dream is to educate midwives and doctors in hospitals here on how to deal with grief, meet and talk to families,” said Ms Sullivan, who now has two young children.
She urges parents to join support group meetings similar to the ones that have helped her and her husband, and said that it is also key for fathers to go through the grieving process.
Little Angles - Love Through Loss meets once a month at Times Square, and many of those who attend find the sessions “like therapy”.
“Losing a baby brings such a depth of pain. It helps to realise there are others also going through these emotions,” said one mother.
The silence of an ultrasound and slow realisation that their nursery will remain empty can be a lonely and traumatic experience for expectant parents.
So finding a space to share stories of loss and grieve with others can help parents feel less alone, says the founder of a miscarriage, neonatal death and stillbirth support group in Dubai.
“It is not something people are comfortable talking about and this makes parents feel more alone,” says Alexandra Sullivan, founder of Little Angels – Love Through Loss.
“There is a stigma linked to pregnancy and infant loss. We want to raise awareness so people realise that this does happen to people.”
The group will gather today and observe Bereaved Mother’s Day.
“Mothers first need to understand that it is not their fault,” Ms Sullivan says. “Losing a child is the worst thing an adult goes through. Even if we can’t show our babies to people, it is important to talk about it because you are still a mum and dad, you are still a parent.”
Ms Sullivan lost identical twin boys at 26 weeks into her pregnancy in 2011 in Sweden. The care in her home country helped her to navigate the cloud of sorrow that engulfed her.
When the couple moved to Dubai that year, it became her mission to create a similar support group here.
“I wanted to create a space to take care of families when they come home from hospitals, so they are not left more upset when they come home to an empty nursery,” Ms Sullivan says.
“It’s my life mission to help families through the traumatic time when they come home. That is where Little Angels comes in. We want families to contact us and be part of our family.”
She says family, friends and co-workers do not know what to say to the bereaved parents and knowledge will bring better understanding.
“They don’t know how to approach us, they may be afraid,” Ms Sullivan says. “The silence starts from there and we end up feeling more alone. People should talk openly about it.”
Although the numbers are high, with the World Health Organisation estimating an annual 2.6 million stillbirths every year worldwide, it is not a subject that is widely discussed.
There are a few organisations in Dubai and Abu Dhabi to support families dealing with infant loss but creating more networks will help to spread information.
Attending meetings since last month has been therapeutic for Sinead Ryan. She lost her child due to pregnancy-related hypertension when she was 37 weeks into her term and visiting family in Ireland in December last year.
When she returned to Dubai after spending time with family, it was crucial for Ms Ryan to join a support group.
“The support group is a safe place to express grief, anger, say what you need to and still, everything will be normal,” she says. “Losing a baby brings such a depth of pain. It helps to realise there are others also going through these emotions.
“It is fantastic to be able to send them a message if you are having a bad day and the others totally get it. It is good to meet them for a coffee, to discuss some crazy and irrational thoughts that go through your head.”
Many parents have felt that if they open up about their experiences, people find it difficult to mask their shock and deal with it by saying that everything will be OK.
“People don’t want to continue the conversation,” Ms Ryan says. “They clamp up and don’t know how to address it once you tell them that your baby died. Instead of saying something they say nothing, and you feel that they don’t care.
“Some say, ‘you will be fine, you will have another baby’. But no, I’m not fine. Because this little person was a human being and can never be replaced by another child.
“The death of someone’s child has to be acknowledged. There may be silences but you need to keep talking.”
She urges people to join support group meetings that have helped her and her husband.
“Bottling up grief inside you is not healthy in long run,” Ms Ryan says.
“This was our only baby and it has been beneficial for us to talk to others. It’s almost like therapy because they totally understand you.”
It was key to include fathers in the grieving process, Ms Sullivan says.
“In general it is always harder for men to show emotion,” she says. “It is so common for them to suck it up and take care of their wives and families. The pressure on them builds up too. They are going through the same loss as the mums.”
Little Angels – Love Through Loss meets once a month at Times Square. The next meeting is on May 23. The group will observe Bereaved Mother’s Day today. Details are available on the group’s Facebook page.
The death of someone’s child has to be acknowledged. There may be silences but you need to keep talking ALEXANDRA SULLIVAN Founder of Little Angels