‘The worst fear is that your baby will be forgotten’ – keepsakes help to cope with the unbearable grief
Keeping mementoes and naming the baby can help parents to cope with the loss of an infant.
Sarah Hall took photographs, hand and footprints of baby Frank, which are now tangible reminders of the infant she lost at 34 weeks in January.
“His baby clothes, the prints and photos are all that remain with me,” Ms Hall says. “Without this I would have walked away without a legacy of my baby.”
When she met Alexandra Sullivan of the Little Angels – Love Through Loss support group, it was as if a dam had burst.
“I sobbed, I swore, I howled,” Ms Hall says. “She told me her story and I was able to talk about my loss.
“I found someone else to grieve with. The worst fear is that your baby will be forgotten. It’s difficult to watch the world spin on after this has happened.”
Talking to other women and attending monthly meetings can also help mothers to prepare their family.
“We share incredible moments,” says Ms Hall, who learnt how to break the news to her two young daughters. “There are some amazing things we remember that make us laugh and smile so it is not all doom and gloom.
“I felt instant love for complete strangers when I first met them and I wish them happiness so desperately.
“The biggest heartbreak was letting my four-year-old know what had happened when all she was looking forward to was her baby brother.
“I like talking about Frank. I don’t want him to be forgotten and Alexandra gave me the strength to understand that if other people feel too sad or uncomfortable or can’t bear it, that is their problem.”
Ms Sullivan is studying for a bachelor’s degree in psychology and counselling to become a grief counsellor and help families in trauma and crisis management.
After moving with her husband to Dubai, she wanted to create a support group here similar to the one she relied on in Sweden, where she lost her two boys. “When I opened the doors of the group in Sweden, that was my biggest comfort – to know it had not happened only to me,” Ms Sullivan says.
“I felt sad for all of them and started to talk about my experience more.
“I was hiding, I felt guilt. I felt it was my fault it had happened. That is what many women go through.”
Teaching caregivers and the general public to be empathetic is another one of her goals.
“Processes are not fully in place here and most people do not have family around like in their home country,” says Ms Sullivan, who now has two young children.
“That isolation is difficult to handle.
“My long-term dream is to educate midwives and doctors in hospitals here on how to deal with grief, meet and talk to families.
“It is so raw and traumatic for the family and everyone needs to be empathetic because the couple have to deal with a dead baby.
“They will be in shock. There are so many dreams that were crushed.”
For many women who deal with grief by burying the memories, group therapy encourages them to share. In one session, a mother opened up for the first time about a child she lost 20 years ago.
“Whether years have gone by or it’s a new loss, parents need to feel comfortable talking,” Ms Sullivan says. “Everyone has suffered. I want to take care of families like I was taken care of.”
Talking to other women and attending monthly meetings can also help mothers to prepare their family