Couples can eliminate money-related discord by talking through expectations

Figuring out how to manage money together might be an important part of a happy relationship, but it is a skill that does not always come naturally.

“When there’s conflict or discord, it’s usually not about the money itself. There’s always something deeper,” says Cohen Taylor, a family and marriage therapist and behavioural wealth specialist at investment advisory Wealth Enhancement Group.

Getting on the same page as your partner when it comes to finances usually requires a lot of communication and sometimes a little compromise.

In some cases, it might include realising your perception of your partner’s spending habits is not entirely accurate.

Before getting serious with your partner, ask them how they learnt about finances as a child, Ms Taylor suggests. “We all have these childhood experiences or flashpoints in our lives that create these core beliefs related to money,” she says.

If you were told to always save for a rainy day, for example, you might be deeply uncomfortable spending money unless there is an emergency.

Ms Taylor adds that because we are often attracted to people with money personalities opposite our own, it is important to understand those differences.

Expecting conflict and preparing to navigate it together can be healthy, says Laura LaTourette, financial planner and founder of the Family Wealth Management Group. “If you just lean into conflict, it won’t be so scary when you get there,” she says, adding that healthy conflict management includes lots of communication.

Ms Taylor suggests creating some guidelines you both agree on, such as that any expenditure above $200 requires a conversation first.

In blended families where children are involved, those money discussions are especially important, says Mikel Van Cleve, a financial behaviour specialist researching financial management within blended families at Texas Tech University.

“You need clear boundaries and rules so everyone knows their role within the blended family dynamic,” he says.

For example, decide in advance how the adults will share expenses related to the children’s car insurance, cell phone plans and college, which can get complicated.

Andrew Crowell, vice chairman of wealth management at DA Davidson, a financial services company, says most successful money couples he had dealt with set up a recurring cadence to talk about money.

Those meetings can provide a chance to sync on how to trim spending together or to do something fun like set a holiday savings goal, Mr Crowell says. They can also provide a safe space to express worries about debt and similar topics.

Sometimes spouses misunderstand each other’s financial behaviour, says Jamie Byram, a financial counsellor with a doctorate in financial planning.

She found that spouses who perceive their partners as “savers” report a higher level of financial satisfaction – but people’s perceptions of their partner’s spending and savings habits are not always accurate, she says.

It could be helpful for partners to swap financial roles for a day to gain a greater understanding of what the other person is experiencing, Ms Byram says.

For example, the person in charge of household expenses might seem to be spending a lot, but that might just be because those items are so expensive.

By taking over all of the household spending for a week, the other partner might realise those challenges.

Some couples find it easier to manage money together if they maintain separate and joint accounts, Mr Crowell says.

He worked with one couple that included a husband who loved sports betting and a wife who preferred to avoid taking those kinds of risks.

Establishing a separate account for his sports betting that was walled off from their joint accounts helped them to remain happily married, Mr Crowell says.

Returning to shared goals can also promote unity when it comes to financial decisions, according to Ms Taylor.

“Daydreaming about what you want your financial future to look like as a couple can give you something to anchor to during times of conflict,” she says.