WEEKEND WARRIOR

On being shown the world’s ‘greatest’ tri photo of all time by a mate, it got Brunty thinking about his own race-day photographic faux-pas…

Recently my long-suffering friend Neill shared a photo of himself at Ironman Lanzarote, and it’s perhaps the greatest triathlon picture of all time. This may sound like hyperbole but it’s truly a masterpiece which looks more like a painting by William Hogarth or, for the less culturally inclined, a ‘Where’s Wally’ cartoon.

No description of mine can really do it justice but I’ll have a go for your benefit. In the foreground is the man himself who is just setting off on his bike having emerged from T1, and the photographer has captured the precise moment that Neill has his hand between his legs rearranging his undercarriage into a more comfortable saddle vs scrotum position. Like all men engaged in this activity Neill is pulling the requisite grimace, and the hand/ expression combination gives the whole tableau an unfortunate leering quality.

However, it’s what’s going on behind Neill that truly marks this picture out as a tour-de-force. In the background is the bike-mount line, and it’s absolute carnage. One cyclist has his bike sideways across the entrance while he stoops to sort out some front wheel issue, and there’s a logjam of furious looking riders stacking up behind him. On another part of the start line a man has stopped dead and is consulting his phone. Another cyclist appears to have forgotten to mount his bike and is running up the road with it, another has mounted but is evidently in mid wobble and is cycling sideways across the road, while another has clearly missed his pedal with his shoe and has a leg sticking out at right angles as he veers towards the barrier. The fact that this is the only picture of Neill from the entire bike leg only adds to the amusement.

None of us of course are strangers to bad race photos. I don’t know about you but my ratio of good-tobad photos is about one decent one to 10 absolute horror shows where I look like I’m standing still while running, or windmilling my arms trying to get out of the water, or cycling while pulling a face like I’ve just soiled myself. None of us ever buy these photos unless you end up purchasing the whole digital pack, in which case they disappear into your hard drive where the public will never be able to set eyes on them. But I remember some of them vividly...

1| Ironman Canada I was about halfway round the marathon and it was a boiling hot day, so I stuffed a sponge under my cap. The effect of this makes it look like I’m running while simultaneously inflating my head.

2| Ironman Lake Placid Again I’m on the run leg, and the photographer captured the exact moment where I’m arms akimbo and with an expression like I’ve just heard a particularly fruity innuendo and I’m about to dislocate my own eyebrows, making me look like Kenneth Williams advertising Chicken Tonight.

3| Claudia Butler 30 Mile TT ‘Brunt Powers to Podium Position’ screamed the headline on the cycling page of the Coventry Telegraph in honour of my third place, below which was a large colour photo of me in full flow with a massive dewdrop hanging off the end of my nose.

4| Ironman Lanzarote I’m just coming to the end of my second lap on the run and looking so pale and waxy that you can’t tell where my white tri-suit starts and my skin ends. In the background, the race winners can be seen on the podium looking bronzed and relaxed as they receive their awards.

5| Birmingham League cross country fixture at Cheltenham On the face of it this looks like a brilliant photo because I’m striding dynamically through the mud ahead of Coventry Godiva Harriers teammate Mohamed Daud Mohamed, who ran the 5,000m for Somalia in the last Olympics. What this photo doesn’t reveal is that he was about to lap me.

I’m thinking of starting a ‘Crap Race Photos’ account on Twitter so keep an eye on @MartynBrunt. Thanks to Neill I have the profile picture sorted, and for the bio I’ll use the one of my mate Tony who’d just finished the Superman Triathlon Vlaanderen and was sitting slumped against a Belgian wheelie bin. Truly a picture paints a thousand words.

“The hand/expression combo gives the photo an unfortunate leering quality”