INVESTMENT IS RARE SPECIES

IT is a source of encouragement today, in this era of ecological damage inflicted by man to the planet, to learn that there are still new discoveries being unearthed of new species of greenery.

The newest of these discoveries on these shores is believed to be the ‘cashes-vulgarus’, commonly known as the ‘money tree’.

For quite a time it has been flourishing in the United States, spreading across to European shores. Of course it dosen’t flower as well in the UK as it does in most of the Continent. Over here it seems to have a limited range, found mainly in areas lived in by bankers and stock exchange speculators.

In the North it is rarely seen and never in places frequented by people such as nurses, teachers, policemen or firefighters, where its growth seems to be limited to 1pc a year or less. The yield is extremely poor in these areas, and this sub species is known as ‘paycapmantis’.

But on the bright side I am reliably informed that there is a flourishing new plantation in Northern Ireland that has so far harvested £1 billion, so all is not lost.

So far though the Government has kept this new plant under wraps, even though many former leaders and cabinet members have one in their back gardens and Teresa May accidently hinted of this.

All I can now add is that I hope some of the best growing fertiliser is sent up here rather than the manure we are used to, otherwise with Brexit other countries may be sneaking in and taking some cuttings from that tree for themselves.

Up here we have had enough of cutting, or cuts in general. David Entwistle via email