Airdrie & Coatbridge Advertiser
Ryan’s Trump report card
Scotland’s youngest columnist has his say
It’s been a year since hell froze over and Donald Trump rocked up at the White House, leaving pundits choking on their pre-election predictions.
And what a rollercoaster it’s been. Almost every day there’s another mindboggling story about his latest antics. Surely they can’t all be fake news? So, while it appears the American people are less than impressed with Trump given his low approval rating, as a proud pupil of St Margaret’s High, I decided to put The Donald’s performance through the truest of tests – the school report card.
I’ll always have a soft spot for the man who helps keep the hairspray industry afloat, as he’s provided me with one of the most popular impressions in my stage comedy act – and even put my home village on the map last year.
Who can forget the crazy-butcracking Advertiser story about a tie owned by Trump selling for thousands at a charity night in Chapelhall?!!
But, I will remain as balanced as possible when grading Trump’s first year in the hottest of hot seats – he won’t be able to bribe me with complimentary tweets, a tour of the White House or the promise of a one-year $250,000 apprenticeship.
Let’s kick things off with arguably The Donald’s worst subject.
English – FAIL
Whether referring to an “unpresidented” act, trying to convince the world that the word “covfefe” was actually a thing, or insisting he was “not unproud” of his controversial tweets, it’s fair to say Mr Trump has butchered the English language so many times that he might want to try a career switch at Fergusons of Airdrie.
Geography – FAIL
While he may deny describing certain nations as “s***hole countries”, The Donald has had his fair share of geographical clangers.
The gaffe-prone POTUS heaped praise on Nambia during a speech at the United Nations. It would have been nice – if Nambia existed.
His worst though, was tweeting “Germany is a total mess” after a man was shot in a Paris police station.
History – FAIL
Part of me was disappointed that Mr Trump cancelled his visit to Britain to open the new US embassy in London as he could’ve popped by Chapelhall to check on his tie!
But he shelved the plans by blaming his predecessor, Barack Obama, for selling the current embassy for “peanuts”.
Only problem was, that plan was agreed when George W Bush was still in charge.
Add Mr Trump’s assertion that the American Civil War might g have been prevented if f Andrew Jackson – who died before it began gan – had got involved, and it’s fair to say he could do with th borrowing a few of my history books. ks.
Science – FAIL
As record amounts of snow swept across the US S east coast last st month, it might ight not have been en the best time e to tweet that Americans “could use a little bit of that good old global warming”.
The man really doesn’t have any excuse to have such poor knowledge of the damaging effects of climate change. After all, he could just stick on the DVD of Al Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth!
Maths – FAIL
In fairness, maybe Mr Trump relied on former press secretary Sean Spicer’s questionable counting skills when seemingly trying to big-up the number that turned out for his inauguration. But I’ve sat enough exams to know that y you don’t cheat by yg going g on the word of others, you get your head down and a figure it out for yourself. Alth Although, know knowing Trump, he wo would’ve claim claimed eight billio billion people were in the crow crowd, which wou would’ve mea meant at least half half-a-billion extr extraterrestrials ter too took time ou out from po potentially pl planning an invasion of Earth to cheer on their favourite billionaire.
Music & The Arts – FAIL
Whatever you think about Meryl Streep’s acting prowess, there’s no doubt she’s a legend in Hollywood.
So, it probably wasn’t the smartest move to call her “over-rated” after she criticised him at the Golden Globes.
He then found himself targeted by the Terminator when he ridiculed Arnie for declining ratings on The Apprentice – the show Trump used to present.
Factor in musicians falling over themselves to NOT play at his inauguration and you’ve got a man who’d be less welcome at a celebrityfilled gala than a paparazzi with an X-ray lens.
PE – FAIL
The Donald’s claims he was “the fittest president ever” may stand up to some scrutiny with a recent medical hailing his health as “excellent”.
Closer examination, though, revealed that he is “too sedentary” – he sits too much to you and me – and his cholesterol is too high.
He also proved he wasn’t a good sport by slamming NFL players as “weak and out of control” when some protested the national anthem before games.
I’d love to see wrestling fan Trump pull on the helmet and pads to butt heads with them on the field. Forget Any Given Sunday, it would be No Holds Barred!
Home Economics – PASS
The one subject Mr Trump passes with something approaching flying colours.
As his time in business shows, he knows how to make money, and the American economy is booming, while unemployment sits at a 17-year low.
Senate Republicans also passed a sweeping overhaul of the US tax code, which includes permanent tax breaks for corporations and temporary tax cuts for individuals.
One thing I would trust Trump with is managing my life savings – well, let’s say my piggy bank coppers.
Additional comments
That concludes my official report card on The Donald’s first 12 months in power and if I had to give it an overall rating, I would plump for four out of 10.
He’s been a disappointment overall. Not totally terrible, just plain bad.
But, to be honest, it’s what I expected. And if his trials and tribulations continue throughout the remainder of his term, then at least it’ll serve up plenty of new material for my act!
Donald, you must try harder!