The simple things Mean so much

A family shares its story on what it takes to be a young carer, and the special kind of person you have to be, with a grateful mum saying...

It’s not every 15-year-old girl who lists putting her mum’s socks on for her among her daily routine tasks.

But that’s just one of the little things that make life a bit easier for Hannah’s mum, Audrey, who was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy before her only child was born.

The condition, which is a type of nerve damage, causes pain, numbness, tingling and weakness in the hands, arms or feet.

That means Airdrie woman Audrey relies on her teenage daughter for help with simple tasks that her illness has rendered impossible. And even though young carer Hannah has never known it any other way, Audrey can’t shake off her feelings of guilt.

“My mum is very wobbly. She does not have the best balance. Her nerves are not good and she occasionally uses a stick,” explained Hannah.

“When we are out and about, I play ‘stick.’ She leans on me. It is mainly her legs and feet, but her grip can go, too.

“My mum used to be steady. Before lockdown, she was more steady, and more confident about walking. Her walking is more stumbly than it was before.”

In normal times, when Airdrie Academy pupil Hannah is at school, she prefers her mum to stay home when she’s not around. She said: “When I was at school, she’d stay in the house until I came home because my dad works.

“But sometimes she’d go shopping, which I never liked, especially during the winter. She would use the stick. But I’d always make sure she texted me so I could be sure she was okay.”

It’s not just Audrey’s mobility that has been adversely affected by the pandemic.

Hannah explained: “With us being in the house during lockdown, we feel stuck together.

“I’m not the best one for home schooling. I just can’t sit down and do my work – but that is my own issue. I still do what I can around the house. Usually, my mum wakes me up. It should be the other way around, I know.

“In lockdown, it’s been me who’s been waking up mum. She has not been very good the last couple of days. I help her to get up, to get to the kitchen, and I cook the lunches and dinners.

“She feels kind of guilty sometimes, and she does apologise to me quite a lot.

“If I am about to sit down and she has to ask me to get something or do things for her, she gets guilty.

“If I’m going out with friends and she has to ask me to stay back for a couple of minutes to do this or that, she can feel kind of bad.

“I tell her it’s not her fault and it’s no problem. But she’ll still say sorry. We are kind of the same, personality-wise. We’re both stubborn, so we get at each other sometimes. But, at the end of the day, we are really close.”

No-one understands Hannah’s frustrations more than the friends she has met through Carers Trust Scotland and Action for Children.

As well as holding virtual meetings, during normal times key worker Amy Alexander visits young carers within their schools.

“The group work is really good and you do make friends. They understand the situation and what you are going through” explained Hannah.

“Nobody is mean. No-one judges you. And, for a group of teenagers, that’s really nice. As well as that, you also get Amy coming to the schools to talk to you about what is going on in your life and how you’re feeling.

“If something has happened, it’s just nice to chat. It takes a weight off my shoulders just to be able to tell someone.”

Hannah and Audrey may be similar in many ways, but their views of her caring role and responsibilities are poles apart.

Believing that there’s nothing exceptional about what she does, Hannah thinks anyone’s capable of being a young carer.

She said: “You simply realise what is needed. Anyone could be a young carer, not just for a parent, but for a grandparent or a sibling. If you are needed by your

family, no matter who you are, most people would step up to do anything for someone they love.”

But 54-year-old Audrey doesn’t believe it’s as straightforward as that and said: “It is the simple things that make all the difference – like putting on socks.

“People think, ‘what’s so difficult about that?’ But if you can’t stretch down to get to your toes, you need someone to do it for you.

“I think you have to be a certain type of person to be a young carer. You must have the ability to go with the flow, be able to adapt, put someone else first. And, with the best will in the world, that’s not everyone. You have to have that bit inside you that is willing to give up things, as well as the ability to accept things.

“Nothing fazes Hannah. She is bright. She’s a joker with a good sense of humour and she really cheers me up.

“She has never tried to hide the fact that this is what I’m like. I asked if she’s embarrassed, because my walking can be so bad some days. She looked at me with disgust and said, absolutely not! Let them think what they want.’ She is amazing. I’m exceedingly proud of her.

“I do feel guilty, big time. And that was one of the reasons I first approached Young Carers for help and advice. They have been amazing, not only for Hannah but for when I have been worrying. I only came across the organisation because a friend of mine from church, who belonged to adult carers, mentioned it.

“Young carers are often overlooked. I genuinely think that, with the way they have helped Hannah and have helped us, there should be more awareness of what they do. It has made such a difference. Hannah has someone to talk to who understands, and that’s a relief.

“She is fortunate to have a lot of friends, but few of them understand what she goes through. People at Young Carers not only understand, but they help.

“When she has a Zoom call, her face lights up and when she comes off the phone she is buzzing. It takes a certain type of person to do what they do, and I have tremendous respect for them. Working in caring is not easy and teenagers can be difficult.

“They are not much older than the kids themselves, so young carers can talk to them at the same level without challenging what they say.”

Asked if she ever thinks, “why me?”, Hannah replied: “When my mum has really bad days, I think, ‘why did this happen to my mum?’ I think that about my mum, not about me. That’s when I get upset. I don’t mind helping. It is actually nice to think someone needs me. My mum needs me.”

I don’t mind helping. It is nice to think that someone needs me Hannah, 15