‘My struggle with depression and how I was saved’

AN inspirational young w woman who battled back from the brink after “living in fear” due to her struggle with mental health issues has spoken of her fight.

Laura Burton from Holyhead (pictured), now 22, was diagnosed with depression at the tender age of 16.

Opening up about her plight at the close of Mental Health Awareness Week, Laura has bravely agreed to write this first-hand account of her ordeal and how she overcame her darkest days. “IT was goodbye sweet 16 – no laughs, no smiles, no fun, no happy memories.

Instead I lived in fear, in a dark, dark place. I had depression. I didn’t know – all I knew is that to me, I was going insane.

I would be sat with friends, yet I felt like I was in a bubble. I felt numb.

Socialising was difficult. Everyone’s conversations would merge into one. Their voices would grow so loud that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I’d leave the room, I’d run so fast, my chest would be hurting.

What was happening? I didn’t know. I didn’t know anxiety existed, I didn’t know about anxiety attacks. I guess I had to learn about them the hard way.

My friends? They hated me. My family? They hated me. My mum and dad, who gave me the best upbringing with so much love and happiness? They hated me now, too.

The reality was that that was never the case, but that’s how I felt. But you can’t argue with depression. It’s always right. I was always wrong.

I felt like everyone hated me. I was even starting to hate myself and thought everyone would be better off without me.

I would carry on thinking like this for weeks on end, but I didn’t want anyone to know. So I carried on with a fake smile.

Months down the line, it never got any easier and one day I hit rock bottom.

However, my mum was there to catch me. She got me help. She put her everything into building me back up again.

It turns out she didn’t hate me – depression lied to me. I began to wonder, what else had it lied to me about?

Taking the anti-depressants wasn’t easy. People called them ‘happy pills’, but really, they made things worse. I wasn’t told things would get worse before they got better.

I wasn’t told about the nausea, the headaches, the tiredness, the paranoia, the numbness.There’s this idea that the pills would make everything better. It couldn’t have been more false.

The medication had to be teamed up with therapy. Therapy was excruciating. Every one was a battle because I had to reveal all of my deepest, darkest secrets.

I was scared of being judged and was worried that people were going to think I was crazy. I was convinced I was going to get locked up. But I never did, and the therapist didn’t flinch. I was told that I wasn’t crazy – in fact I was told that I was perfectly normal, so I carried on going.

I would sometimes burst into tears. Memories of wanting to kill myself made me sick and on some days, I would walk out of there feeling as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was tough and it was challenging, but it was so worth it.

Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. It was a long, gruelling journey and I still have as many bad days as good, but I know how to cope.

I am now 22 and I am no longer under a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and I no longer have a mental health nurse.

I still take medication and I probably always will, but I’m okay with that.

I no longer judge or hate myself when I have a bad day. I’m only human.

When I was 16, I never saw myself reaching this age. But now, I hate that I ever doubted myself. I wish that I could go back to my 16-year-old self and give her a hug and tell her it’s all going to be okay.

I would encourage her to talk to someone, so she could get the help she needed and deserved, so that she didn’t have to be so scared by herself.

No one should be in such a dark place that they no longer want to exist. No one should suffer alone and in silence. It’s okay not to be okay. We’re not invincible to anything life may throw at us. We all need to be kinder, and more loving to ourselves.”

Laura Burton is a mental health advocate for Time to Change Wales Read her blog at lauralikeschange.wordpress.com.