Tactics to help deal with your testing teens
The authors of What’s My Teenager Thinking? explain why teens act the way they do and how parents can get inside their heads and handle flashpoints. LISA SALMON reports
IT’S reasonable to assume parenting gets easier as children get older but that’s not always the case – some parents believe dealing with teenagers is as bad, if not worse, than raising toddlers. Despite doing their best to say and do the right thing with moody adolescents, parents can often be damned as criticising or controlling by their offspring.
But at a time when teenagers face unprecedented mental health challenges, it’s more important than ever for parents to find better ways to understand and connect with them. That’s why parenting author Tanith Carey and child psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin have got together to write What’s My Teenager Thinking?.
The book uses child and developmental psychology, plus neuroscience, to translate adolescent behaviour in more than 100 everyday scenarios, looking at it from both the parent’s perspective and the teenager’s, and offering practical, easy-to-access solutions for parents.
“Parenting teens often feels like a rollercoaster ride,” observes Tanith, a mother of two teenagers herself. “Teenagers are going through the same sort of brain reorganisation as toddlers do – only now your child is a lot bigger and you’re more likely to panic that any bad decisions they make now could impact their future.
“As parents, it’s also easy to assume teenagers are just being ‘difficult’ when they act irresponsibly or are rude. But these things won’t feel as triggering or frustrating once you understand the adolescent psychology and brain development that underlies their behaviour.”
Here, Tanith and Dr Rudkin outline three scenarios parents might face with their teenagers, and how best to deal with them:
I’LL TIDY MY ROOM LATER
YOUR teen’s room looks as if it’s been hit by a bomb.
What your teen is thinking: When they were younger, your teenager’s room was a place to sleep and keep their things. Now an adolescent, they see it as an expression of who
they are, as well as a sanctuary to escape to. Having their things around them makes them feel safe. Tidying up may also involve a level of planning and self-discipline they haven’t developed.
What you’re thinking: You may feel they’re not respecting your home or the things you’ve bought, and not developing the organisational skills needed to look after themselves.
How to respond: View your teen’s untidiness as part of the transition to adulthood. The outward mess represents some of the reorganisation going on inside their brain.
Limit instructions to one or two at a time, like putting rubbish in a bin bag, followed by putting dirty laundry in the basket. Suggest they blitz the room for five minutes because once they’ve started, they’re likely to keep going.
Talk about how it’s in their own interests, as they’ll be able to find things more easily and clothes look better if they’re hung up, so they’ll want to do it for their own reasons. Keep faith that they’ll eventually work out that a neater room is a more pleasant place to be.
I DIDN’T SLAM THE DOOR
YOUR teen storms off and slams the door following a row.
What your teen’s thinking: Just like toddlers, teens have volatile emotions that can lead to temper
View your teen’s untidiness as part of their transition to adulthood. Mess represents some of the reorganisation going on inside their brain...
tantrums. Only now they’re bigger and stronger, these outbursts are more intimidating. While your teen may look grown-up, the frontal lobe of their brain, which regulates self-control, is still developing. The part, called the amygdala, which is sensitive to the effects of hormones is also quicker to trigger primal fight-or-flight responses. This means he or she finds it hard to control outbursts and reacts more emotionally and less logically in disputes.
If they feel overwhelmed, ignored or can’t win, slamming the door feels like the best way to have the last word.
You might think: If your teen was rude, you may want to follow them to tell them to listen to you. You may worry they’ve damaged the door or walls and feel they have no respect for you or their home.
How to respond: Don’t follow. Allowing your teen to retreat to their room helps them calm down and process their thoughts. Let yourself calm down too. Shouting to show who’s boss or issuing threats will make them more emotionally reactive. Instead model staying calm, using strategies such as counting down from 20 or taking slow breaths.
If they now hole themselvs up in their room, after a while send them a text, asking them to come and spend time with you. The more they feel you love them unconditionally and are prepared to listen to whatever they have to say, the less likely they are to have outbursts.
LET ME SLEEP!
YOU have to nag your teen to get out of bed.
What your teen’s thinking: The release of the sleep-regulating hormones cortisol, which wakes us, and melatonin, which helps us fall asleep – shifts to two to three hours later in teenagers, with melatonin release peaking around 11pm.
If your teen feels nagged, they’re also more likely to ignore you. Studies show a nagging tone fires up the part of a teen’s brain that processes negative emotions, stopping them processing words. Even though they know they’ll be in trouble if they don’t get up, their brain also seeks more immediate rewards. So they may be more interested in gaining a few more minutes in bed, even if it means they’re late for whatever they need to get up for.
What you’re thinking: The sound of your teenager’s alarm can feel like the start of a daily and very stressful battle to get them out of bed. The longer they stay in bed, the more you’ll feel worried they’re going to get into trouble.
How to respond: First pull open the curtains. Natural light stimulates the release of the hormones that wake us up. Then start the day affectionately. Your teen is more likely to want to get up if you, say, ruffle their hair, say you love them, than nag them. Say you appreciate they’re tired and would love to stay in bed, so they know you understand how they feel.
Remember that lower cortisol levels in teens genuinely do make it harder for them to wake up. Ultimately remind them it’s their choice.