MAYBE BABY?
How do you know whether you’re ready to have a baby? LAUREN TAYLOR gets some expert advice
EVEN if you know you want children and have found the right person to have them with, the decision of when to have them can feel extremely complex.
When you consider the financial implications of raising a family, the impact having a child can have on women’s careers, the pressure to ‘achieve everything you want to achieve’ before a baby knocks your life sideways and the eye-roll inducing reminder of our ‘body clocks’, it can seem overwhelming.
And then there’s the small issue of feeling emotionally ready to be wholly responsible for a tiny person.
On top of that, it’s the one decision in life you can never go back on.
SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS
Of course, it’s become more common, and accepted, to have children later – the average age for firsttime mothers in England and Wales in 2019 was 28.9.
There’s less cultural expectation that people should have children, there have been medical advances in IVF and egg-freezing, and (although there’s a long way to go) there’s much more awareness of women’s rights in the workplace and gender roles at home too.
Things have changed and Holly Roberts, a counsellor at Relate (relate.org.uk), says that has “created opportunities and obstacles in equal measures”.
We’re still “bombarded with messages about what a ‘normal’ family looks like, when to have a family, how many children we ‘should’ have. It can be overwhelming if you don’t feel like you fit into that category”, says Holly.
The traditional nuclear family size has been 2.4 children for some time, but now, “what may surprise people is the most common family size is one child,” says Rachel Fitz-Desorgher, a former midwife, agony aunt and parenting expert.
FAMILY PRESSURE
Influence by family members is still a common issue too. “The wider family expectations for couples to start a family can be even more difficult as you are laden with guilt for disappointing someone if you don’t fulfil their dreams of becoming a grandparent,” says Holly.
It’s not uncommon for married couples in particular to feel this strange weight of expectation. But why have we been conditioned to think that wedding bells should almost immediately be followed by babies?
It’s important to try and disconnect any family expectation from your own desires and needs.
“Couples need to find their strength to follow their own path in life and not be persuaded by external pressures,” Holly says. “You will be the ones raising this child and will have this huge responsibility for the rest of your life, so it’s worth asking yourself why you want to start a family – is it because you really want to or to please someone else?”
Rachel suggests approaching the issue with compassion. Most family pressure is well-meant.
“It’s not necessarily coming from a place of antagonism but a place of love and enthusiasm,” she says. “Say to that person, ‘You’d make a wonderful grandma/aunt or uncle and I understand how much you’d love to be one’. Always start from a place of love, acknowledging that this isn’t the place that you are in at the moment [if that’s the case] but when you are, you will let them know.”
Their emotional support will be huge if you do decide to have a child.
RELATIONSHIP STABILITY
Obviously, a child needs to be brought into a stable home, so one of the main warning signs neither of you is ready is if there is conflict in your relationship.
“If things are fraught between you and your partner, then a baby is only likely to intensify this,” says Holly. “If there is underlying resentment or negativity between you and your partner, then this may show you that it’s not the right time to start a family.
“Having a child significantly changes your life and your relationship,” she adds, so it’s important to ensure you’re both on the same page.
“It’s worth talking about what you want from life. Do you want to travel a lot, to socialise all the time, climb the corporate ladder? Or are you hoping for a more settled home life? What are you willing to compromise on? Do you have a biological urge that can’t be explained and you