Gulls, swap rooftops for Cornish clifftops!

Bath’s gull problem is perennial. Living in Lower Oldfield Park, our three-storey houses provide the perfect “clifftop” nesting sites with the sweep across the rail lines and St James’ Cemetery.

We dread the sight of the sentry gulls who arrive a month before nesting; guarding “their” roof from previous years.

They have a well-organised social network – with a posse arriving immediately if they squawk: “Danger.”

I have to keep a metal colander near the washing line to grab if they swoop on us when they are nesting.

Comic – but not funny! We are not eligible for help from the council scheme as access to the roof requires scaffolding.

Two years ago we got a builder to repair the nest-damaged chimney which was causing a damp ceiling.

The job cost less than £100 – but the scaffolding for one wall cost £800. No joke when you are OAPS.

This light-hearted offering includes some positive suggestions!

Cornish Diaspora (or The Gulls of Bath, if you prefer) Gull-spotting in Cornwall, we only saw five, as they’ve moved in their thousands to Bath.

At four in the morning we just want to snore, but their screeching and squalling is hard to ignore; we really have had quite enough. The clock says four-thirty, and we’ve reached the stage, where we’re fretting and fuming, and boiling with rage, as we lie here admitting, that it would be fun, to aim at the chimney, with a very large gun. Dear ‘Angry of Bath’ is demanding a cull.

He won’t be content till we’ve killed the last gull.

The city’s bird-lovers say: No – we must strive to discover a food to reduce their sex drive. The greedy say:

Gull pie, cooked in white wine; If you want a good recipe: write to Rick Stein.

But listen you bird-brains – you don’t have to die wrapped up in short-pastry, and served as gull pie. You could move back to Cornwall, nest on the cliffs, glide like seaeagles, swoop like the swifts. Eat gleaming fish, as you follow the boats, surf-ride the waves, or simply… just float.

So we’re sending this postcard, we queued up to sign. Cornwall is lovely. The weather is fine.

You might think this mean, but we think it’s fair: Please move back to Cornwall. We wish you were there! Misha Carder Bath