Ralph Oswick: The most astonishing finale ever on stage

Here’s a winter’s tale that will amuse and repulse in equal measure. Some years ago I toured in a bonkers food themed Natural Theatre show called Eat Me.

As well as featuring a miraculous tiered cake rising out of nowhere and a wedding reception complete with cucumber sandwiches made by those in the front row, the finale, which was declared by The Guardian to be the most astonishing ending ever seen on stage, involved three oiled-up bodybuilders in the skimpiest of briefs and of wildly disparate fitness vying for a place on a podium.

Meanwhile a stream of golden syrup poured down on them from above. All this accompanied by Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries played at top volume.

The syrup looked like a beautiful quivering golden wire until we stepped under it, faces upturned, and the audience would suddenly realise what it was and react accordingly. In other words, a near riot would break out!

The syrup, which was delivered from a radio-controlled device suspended from the ceiling was warmed by the stage lights so flowed freely, but as soon as it made contact with our bodies it congealed.

One had to be very careful not to get the stuff in one’s mouth, for fear of suffocation (a worthy variation on Death by Chocolate if ever there was!). Otherwise a quick shower would soon have us pink and shiny once more.

When we performed at a circus in Berlin, the staff would have a big tin bath of hot water ready for us at the back of the tent, much to the astonishment of the East German guards in their watch tower atop the adjacent wall.

However, in a small basement theatre in a historic town in Switzerland disaster nearly struck.

The venue’s facilities did not stretch to a shower, so the management arranged for us to use one in an apartment across an alleyway, via the theatre’s back door.

The show went ahead and at the end, bare footed and dressed only in our pants and copious amounts of sticky gunge, we made a dash for it. To our dismay, during the show not only had it snowed heavily, it was late night Christmas shopping.

The alleyway was packed with shoppers (think Bath’s Northumberland Place) and we had to push our way through. People leapt back aghast!

Arriving at the apartment entrance we found it securely locked. The flat’s owner had been at the show and was making his way round from the front of the theatre which was in another street.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t told his flatmate, who, on opening the door to our frantic hammering and being confronted by three freezing, near naked and very sticky gentlemen, tried to bar our way, while a large crowd of burghers looked on in astonishment.

The bravest of our trio pushed him aside and we dashed up the stairs to the shower. The owner arrived just in time to stop his outraged pal phoning the police!

Ralph Oswick was artistic director of Natural Theatre for 45 years and is now an active patron of Bath Comedy Festival