Should catfishing be made illegal?
It devastates its victims, leaving them emotionally battered and broken, but…
Like any woman looking for love, Anna Rowe was delighted when she matched on Tinder with someone attractive, nice and even romantic.
Yet, after 14 months, the 44-year-old discovered the man she’d fallen for was not only married, but the name and photo he’d used on the dating site were false – and she wasn’t the only one he’d fooled into falling in love with him.
Sadly, Anna had been catfished, a phenomenon where someone creates false identities on social media to make others fall for them.
When Anna first ‘met’ him online, the man told her he was called Antony Ray, lived in London and had been divorced for 15 months and, after three months of texts and phone calls, the pair decided to meet.
Antony drove to Anna’s
home in Canterbury, Kent, and the two got on well – so well, they decided to meet again.
Antony would stay for days at her house, where they’d cook and cosy up in front of the television. It’s no wonder Anna fell for him.
However, his visits were few and far between, with Antony explaining he looked after his children on weekends and that his job in aviation took him abroad regularly.
Yet, between their sporadic meetings, their relationship developed over the phone. He’d call her ‘my wife, my love, my soul’ and ‘Mrs Ray’, leading her to believe they were heading for marriage.
Yet, after six months, his visits suddenly stopped. He said his mum was ill. For five months, he placated Anna with excuses but she’d become so suspicious, she hired a private investigator to do some research.
It was then that she discovered ‘Antony’ was still married, and living with his wife and three children. He had a separate phone for his affairs, as well as a different Facebook page, email address and Skype account.
The lengths of his deception didn’t stop there. He hadn’t given Anna his real name and even the photo he’d used on Tinder was a black and white picture of Bollywood actor, Saif Ali Khan, who looked extremely similar to him.
‘I didn’t know who this man who had been in my life for 14 months was,’ she said. ‘I’m not stupid, but he had played me.’
This was a typical case of catfishing, a term made popular by the 2010 documentary Catfish, which followed film-maker Nev Schulman tracking down a young girl he’d fallen for online, only to discover she was a middle-aged woman.
Nev followed his film up with a TV series, which showed just how many people across America are pretending to be someone else online.
And, like many American trends, it has migrated to the UK. More than half of online daters say they’ve come across a fake profile, according to consumer group Which?.
So why do people do this? Psychologist and relationship expert for women’s station Radio Gorgeous, Dr Jayne McCartney, believes the answer is simple.
‘ Whether it’s money, an ego boost or sex, these people are looking for something,’ she explains. ‘And they’re very good at identifying people they can get it from.
‘They’ll find their victim’s weak point. If their husband left them for a younger woman, it might be their looks, and they’ll start playing on that. Even if we have suspicions, it can be hard to walk away. The more time we invest in a relationship, the more we want it to work – a case of better the devil you know.’
After she realised Antony wasn’t who he said he was, Anna was devastated. She had counselling and spoke to the police. But, because he hadn’t broken any laws, they couldn’t do anything.
‘ When they told me there is no legislation to protect people against what he did, I was shocked. What he did almost destroyed me,’ she said. ‘The legislation is not keeping up with technology.’
Anna has set up a petition: ‘Making a fake online profile with the intent to use women/ men for sex should be a crime’.
But would this be practical? Tony Neate, Chief Executive of Get Safe Online, agrees that catfishing is a terrible thing and needs to be addressed.
‘It can ruin a life. I know there have been suicides because it’s affected someone badly,’ he says. ‘Let’s have the discussion, because we can’t have people being hurt.’
Yet Andrew McClelland, Chief Executive of Online Dating Association, points out that people could have genuine reasons for not having their real details online – for example, evading an abusive ex – and that freedom of expression could be an issue.
And Jayne agrees. ‘They were two consenting adults, and although his lies to her were immoral, they weren’t illegal. But I do admire her for going public to warn others.’
‘I didn’t know who this man was – I’m not stupid, but he played me’