Just the two of us! Our happy childless marriage
Lesley Pyne didn’t think she’d be able to get over not being a mother, but her life has never been better…
Looking down at the pregnancy test, my heart sank. ‘I’m not pregnant,’ I cried, as my husband comforted me.
Roger and I had been trying for a baby for months without success. And while some may argue that at 35 I’d left it a little late to start trying to get pregnant, I’d honestly believed that I had time.
‘ When is it going to be our turn?’ I asked anxiously.
‘It will happen,’ Roger reassured me.
We’d spent the first three years of our marriage just enjoying wedded bliss, but if I’d known then that my fertility was declining, perhaps we would have started trying for children earlier.
Yet, as each month went by with a negative pregnancy test result, my heart shattered a little more.
After a year and no sign of that magical blue line, Roger and I were referred for IVF.
The next three years were some of the toughest of my life. We went through several rounds of gruelling IVF treatments, each one sadly unsuccessful. After six attempts, and as I approached my 40th birthday in 2002, Roger and I made the heart-breaking decision to stop trying and give up on having a baby.
We knew we had to draw the line somewhere. The endless rounds of hormone injections and invasive procedures meant that I felt like I was constantly on a roller-coaster of emotions – of hope and failure – and it seemed like our lives were on hold.
And while we knew that donor eggs and adoption were available to us, we’d only ever wanted our own biological child. To make matters worse, despite our devastating experience, we were never offered any kind of help or support from professionals.
My 40th birthday was probably one of my lowest points. I felt completely alone; it was like we were the only people in the world who couldn’t have children. Only our parents knew about our struggles, and most of our friends had kids so just talking to them, never mind socialising with them, was extremely painful.
But I always put on a brave face. Friends thought Roger and I didn’t want kids, and when colleagues brought pictures of their children into work, they skipped showing me as it was assumed that
I wasn’t interested.
Things couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Roger and I spent a year in hibernation – we avoided meeting friends and going out to social events because we couldn’t bear the thought of seeing other people with their kids. Again, even though we’d given up on IVF, our lives were still on hold.
I knew I was grieving, but I didn’t know how to stop. Then a small chink in the darkness came in the form of More To Life – a support group dedicated to people who can’t have children – where we formed lifelong friendships with other childless couples.
Just as I was slowly getting my life back together and coming to terms with a life without children, tragedy struck again. Roger’s father died, followed a few months later by my mum. I was crushed. Since we had only told our parents about our problems, it felt like I’d lost two of the people I really felt I could open up with and talk to.
When I was 47, I decided to quit my job as a civil servant and pursue a new path. Despite the fact that I had no idea what I wanted to do next, it felt liberating to start a new chapter in my life. I also reminded myself that I wouldn’t have been able to act so spontaneously if I’d had children to support.
I retrained as a Neuro Linguistic Programming master practitioner, which involves helping people to change their way of thinking and behaviours by using language techniques.
Not long after this, I set up a coaching business to help women entering midlife to cope. I secretly wanted to coach women dealing with infertility – major celebrities such as Oprah Winfrey and Helen Mirren have talked about being childless, but there aren’t many ‘normal’ women speaking up.
However, I didn’t feel strong enough to do it as I had yet to properly open up about my own struggles. Then I lost my dad, too. However, with the help of a therapist, I slowly regained my confidence and finally started to let go of the grief I’d been
carrying for over a decade. And, in time, I’ve come to realise that being childless has been my greatest gift in life.
Now 56, I’ve written a book called FindingJoyBeyond Childlessness:Inspiring StoriesToGuideYouToA
FulfillingLife, which is my own personal story of how I overcame my grief and pain.
These days, my life is action-packed and I feel totally fulfilled. I’ve taken up yoga in the past two years and I’m now stronger and more flexible then I was in my 20s – I even managed my first headstand recently!
Roger, now 58, and I are always travelling to far-flung places. In the past couple of years, we’ve taken a spiritual tour of Myanmar, gawped at the Grand Canyon in Arizona and regularly try out new activities, like kayaking. We’re lucky to have each other – and the freedom of spontaneity.
I know that with the 40th birthday of the first IVF baby recently – Louise Brown became the world’s first testtube baby in 1978 – a lot of couples may find this time particularly hard, but I’m proof that it’s possible to lead a happy and fulfilling life without children.
I absolutely love my life, the adventures I’m having; and I’m excited about what will happen next.