‘Marriage is about more than a wedding’
Emma Phillips, 39, an HR advisor from Newcastle, was too excited about her big day to think about the months and years that would come after it…
Putting the finishing touches to the centrepieces and laying out the personalised kids’ goody bags, I smiled in satisfaction.
My wedding was going to be amazing. I was 26 and about to marry an old school friend, Jack*. We hadn’t yet moved in together when he’d proposed, but I’d had no doubts. I was already too busy imagining my big day…
We invited 150 friends and family, and spent £13,000 we didn’t have to make our wedding as wonderful as possible. At the time, I couldn’t see past bridesmaids dresses and flowers, but now I wish I could tell myself that I should have been planning the weeks, months and years after our wedding.
We faced problems straight away. When he moved in with me, it was a struggle. I’d loved living alone and having my own space. We were so different and found ourselves arguing constantly.
Before the wedding, we’d swept our differences under the carpet. As Mr and Mrs, we couldn’t do that any more. I thought he wanted children but, after we’d said our vows, he told me he didn’t.
We struggled on for a year, then separated. He filed for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Two years later, he rang to say the divorce was finalised. That was that. We didn’t stay in touch.
I was embarrassed to admit I was a divorcée at 27, and I struggled to trust men again. But, last year, I started having therapy and it’s helped so much. My marriage was a chapter of my life that I shouldn’t be ashamed of. It taught me what a committed relationship entails.
I’ve been with my partner, Gavin, 35, for a year and we’ve nurtured our relationship slowly. We don’t live together yet, but we understand each other completely – more than anyone I’ve ever met. It feels good to be respected and accepted for who I am. That’s worth more than any wedding day.