Anthea Turner
Being a stepmum is never an easy job... As Mother’s Day approaches, Anthea Turner opens up about living with her stepdaughter post-divorce and not being labelled ‘wicked’
At one point in her life, Anthea Turner was desperate to have a family of her own. ‘I so wanted children with Grant [Bovey, her exhusband], and it wasn’t working. You get to this point where you go, “I’ve got to stop.” If I’m not careful, it becomes an obsession and you stand a chance of ruining the reason you want them – because you met somebody you love.’
But Anthea quickly realised she already had children to love and look after, as Grant’s girls were still very young.
That was 20 years ago, but no one has worked harder to build an incredibly close bond with her three stepdaughters – Lily, now 26, Amelia, 25, and Claudia, 22. So, to celebrate Mother’s Day, best caught up with Anthea to hear about the dos and dont’s of being a loving step-parent…
What does being a stepmum mean to you, Anthea?
Everything. I can’t imagine not having these three gorgeous girls in my life. They’ve been truly amazing. The relationship when you are a stepmother is very special. You grow to love each other – and it works both ways. Obviously, I don’t have any children, and I am not their mother, but I can’t imagine loving anyone any more.
It must be a sensitive relationship, though…
Of course, and it goes through a lot of gear changes over the years. They were only two, five and six when Grant and I got together! But, when you marry someone with kids, you marry the package and must acknowledge that from day one. But when Grant and I got married, I went from being “Daddy’s girlfriend” to “the girls’ stepmother”. It was a subtle but important change.
Do you all celebrate Mother’s Day?
Well, they see their mum on the actual day, as they should – but we always do something the day before, or the day after. And they get me cards. I’ve kept every single one.
How is your relationship with the girls’ mum, Della?
At first, it was difficult, but things quickly settled down. When a relationship breaks up, you have to make sure the children are put first. I always had to be sensitive to the fact that Della was packing her daughters off to be with Grant and me. And Della made it very easy. They’d shimmy between Della and Grant with great ease – I made sure they had their basics at both houses, so they weren’t always bringing bags. And I emphasised the positive – two family dogs, two Christmases, two birthday parties!
With three teenage girls in the house when they got older, you must have had some moments!
Genuinely, I can only think of two arguments. We had lots of discussions, but we didn’t argue. The girls argued with each other, but I can’t imagine a
time when we’d have fallen out.
Did you try to instil good values in the girls?
I sort of “led by example”. I’ve always believed in working hard, putting a lot of care into cleaning the house, making it really nice. And they’re all really tidy! Not as tidy as me – well, maybe Amelia. I was at her house the other day and thought, “This could be mine!” I remember telling them, “When you’re grown up, you’ll never have a boyfriend if you don’t have good table manners, as nobody will want to take you out.” And they were at that lovely age where they’d go, “Really?!”
What other life lessons have you taught them?
Giving them their freedom, letting them go. Even when they were little, all I’ve ever wanted for them is to be out in the world, happy and confident. They’re all in their twenties now, and so confident and wonderful. Grant has said, “Anthea put a lot of work into them.” But it’s a joy, watching children you’ve nurtured blossom into adults.
It must have been difficult after the split between you and Grant...
For all of us. I was in a terrible place. I had a lot of fear for the future – my greatest fear was losing the girls, who were then 16, 18 and 19. I didn’t realise they had the same fear. Their world had been rocked, too. One thing I’ll never forget is standing in the kitchen, not long after we’d told them, and Claudia said, “But where are we going to live?” I just said, “Don’t worry, we’ll work it out.” She and I moved to Kew. She only moved out last year!
What would be your ideal day with the girls?
We do love a spa, and if Champneys could feature, that would be good! And we love a night out – we’ve just been to see 9 to 5: The Musical, which we loved.
What advice would you give someone becoming a step-parent?
Firstly, “Find your place.” You can be impartial; there are things that maybe they won’t want to talk to their mum and dad about, that they’ll share with you.
Family comes in many shapes and forms – are blended families more understood these days?
Definitely. It was difficult for me in the beginning. If it had been me with three children who’d had an affair with a married man, I wouldn’t have been vilified in the way I was. But I think people now understand this is life. Obviously, the ideal is two parents who love each other living together under one roof, but it’s not always possible.
How’s your own mother?
Jean is fine, she lives in the Shangri-La of Stoke-on-Trent with my dad. Sadly, I won’t see her on Mother’s Day, as I am working, but I have sent her a lovely present. We had such wonderful times.
Do you ever think about being a granny yourself? You’d be a glamorous one…
You are very kind! I just try to look my best every day. I won’t be a step-grandma, just a grandma! Well, that’s what Amelia said. And then she said, “You’d hate that.” But you know what, I don’t think I would.