I can never forget...
Rebecca Sharrock, 29, has crystal-clear memories from all through her life – but it’s not always a blessing
Sitting at the kitchen table with my mum, Janet, we flicked through the family photo album. ‘I remember that picture being taken,’ I said, pointing to a photo of me as a baby.
‘ You can’t remember that,’ she dismissed me. ‘ You were only 12 days old.’
It was 2001 and, aged 12, whatever Mum said, I knew I was different. I could recall that day, that photograph, being taken on 23 December 1989, everything as clear as day, even though I was less than two weeks old.
Placed on the driver’s seat of my mum’s car, I remembered the feeling of curiosity – the grey sheepskin car seat beneath me and the steering wheel above me. I even remembered Mum, now 55, holding a camera up to her eye, as she snapped the photo of her newborn baby girl.
I’d not yet developed the ability to talk, but I was definitely aware of emotions.
It was the same with many early life events. I could remember – clearly and in microscopic detail – anything from the foods I ate on a particular day, to the weather, or what I’d been wearing.
I could remember my first birthday. The feeling of the itchy satin dress my mum had put me in and the overwhelming terror as I stared at the new Minnie Mouse teddy I’d been bought.
Mum would brush off my recollections, saying it must have just been a story I’d been told so often, I could almost imagine it. But I knew it was far more than that.
Memories, good or bad, would creep up on me out of nowhere – I had no control. Each night, I’d have vivid dreams about the past, reliving embarrassing or painful moments.
Like the first time I started school. I remembered walking round the playground, crying, missing my mum. I’d wake up cringing, convinced I was back there and it was happening again.
Living with the flashbacks, accompanied by painful headaches, was hard. The memories made it difficult to get to sleep because I was constantly so distracted, my mind so overwhelmed and cluttered, that it was impossible for me to switch off. It left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I could see things so clearly in my mind that I could draw them from memory.
For years, I just thought it was normal, and that everyone else was haunted by their past. But, during my teens, Mum
became worried enough to take me to see a doctor.
Eventually, aged 15, I was diagnosed with autism and, at 16, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
For a while, I thought my super-memory must be related to that. But in January 2011, Mum was at our home in Brisbane, Australia, watching daytime TV, when she saw a show featuring people recalling their memories as part of a US study. Like me, they remembered tiny details from years gone by.
‘They’ve got the same symptoms as you,’ she told me, excitedly.
I watched in awe. They were diagnosed with highly superior autobiographical memory (HSAM). It was a rare neurological condition, experienced by only around 60 people worldwide.
As I watched them recall memories in the same way I did – full of emotion and minute details – for the first time, I didn’t feel alone.
Mum decided to contact the researchers at the University of California to find out more. After passing a screening test, I was accepted into their study.
In May 2013, I had monthly tests from neurologists. They’d ask me about specific dates and I’d have to recall what happened. They also asked me why and how I remembered the events so clearly. At 23, I was officially diagnosed with HSAM.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t notice the signs sooner,’ Mum apologised, hugging me.
‘ You weren’t to know,’ I reassured her. ‘Now we do.’
Knowing there was a reason for the flashbacks and headaches was a huge relief, especially when I met other people with the same ability.
There’ll always be moments when I get overwhelmed, as I’ve got zero control over whether the memories I recall are negative or positive. But I’ve started to recite the Harry Potter books by heart in my head – this clears my mind and helps me to fall asleep.
Last year, I started regular therapy sessions to help me accept and process my memories. I’m working on ways to repress particularly tricky ones, to gain some control and keep my mental health in check.
I’m learning mindfulness – a calming technique that involves focusing on your current surroundings and breathing – but my brain’s so busy, it’s a constant battle.
Now 29, I’m hoping that, one day, I’ll be able to better control the memories I recall. And, while it’s hard to shake off the nasty thoughts, it’s lovely to relive the great ones. Every Christmas and birthday, my four trips to Disneyland, and my recent visit to Harry Potter World in California – the magic comes flooding back. Plus, Mum can always count on me to remember family birthdays!
I don’t need a diary to keep track of all my happy memories, they’re just there. Once, I felt cursed by my condition – now, I look on the bright side and remember everything I’m thankful for.
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned’ ‘Accept yourself. Those individual quirks are what make you, you.’