Would you? ‘I help my hubby have affairs’
Despite him straying regularly, Debbie Dowsett not only forgives her other half for sleeping with other women – she also helps him meet them
Peering over my partner Tony Williams’s head, I looked at the computer screen and nodded approvingly. ‘She’s pretty,’ I said. ‘You should definitely message her.’ Tony, 63, grinned. ‘I already have. We’re meeting up next week – so don’t wait up!’
While most women would be horrified at the idea of their other half meeting another woman for sex, it really doesn’t faze me. Honestly.
In fact, I also sleep with other men, all with Tony’s knowledge and consent. We’re in an open relationship and have been for years – and rather than causing cracks
in our partnership, it’s actually brought us closer together.
I wasn’t so understanding when Tony first brought up the idea of us sleeping with other people. When we met in April 1999, through a community group in our hometown of Guildford, Surrey, he admitted he’d been in open relationships in the past.
But it never came up with us. Well, not at first, anyway. We were so similar, both with a love of James Bond films and an interest in Tarot cards, and were naturally drawn together. And as we got to know each other, I fell for his honesty, the fact he told it like it was – just like me.
We moved in together that December and couldn’t have been happier. Tony had five kids from a previous relationship and, after growing up in a bustling house with a mum who was a childminder, I wanted a quieter life, so we agreed it would be just the two of us. We were happy as we were.
Or at least I thought we were happy. But after five years, Tony brought up the idea of sex with other people.
‘Am I not enough for you?’ I asked, bewildered. ‘It’s not that,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship with another woman – it’s just for the sex. Every woman is different in bed, and I like the variety. But we don’t have to rush into it. Just think about it.’
Over the next five years, we spoke about it on and off. ‘It wouldn’t just be me,’ Tony assured me. ‘ You could have your pick of men, too.’
I snorted. I’d always suffered from low confidence and poor self-esteem, and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to have an affair with me.
Yet, he kept pointing out men he thought fancied me, who looked at me a bit longer than necessary or would go out of their way to talk to me.
So eventually, in 2009, I agreed to join a website called Illicit Encounters, specifically for people who wanted affairs. ‘This will show him,’ I thought, as we set up my profile. ‘No one will get in touch and that’ll be the end of it.’
But in just a couple of hours, dozens of men had viewed my profile and messages were flooding in. ‘I can’t believe it,’ I gasped. They may have all been different ages and occupations, but they were all attractive – and all interested in me!
‘See, I told you,’ Tony grinned.
Flattered, I started looking through the profiles more closely. Maybe I could go on a date with one of them, just to see how it went…
So over the next few days, with Tony’s help, I picked a man and together we wrote a suitably flirty reply. And before long, I’d arranged to meet him at a hotel.
‘Nothing has to happen if you don’t want it to,’ said Tony reassuringly. ‘Just have a drink and see what happens.’
‘He probably won’t even turn up,’ I said, nervously.
But he did – and we had a great night. I told him about Tony, but he didn’t seem bothered, and after a couple of hours of chatting – and flirting – we went upstairs to the room he’d booked and had sex. I can’t even say it felt weird being with someone other than Tony. As he’d said, it was completely different.
It was only on my way home the next morning that I started to have doubts. ‘ What will Tony think?’ I worried. ‘ Will he look at me differently?’ I got home and Tony asked me how my night had been, what we’d talked about. He was genuinely interested. The only thing we stopped short at was discussing what had happened in bed. Tony didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer the information. Over the next few weeks, I went on more dates, my confidence increasing with each one. I loved it – after so long together, Tony and I didn’t really ‘date’ any more, and now I was going to places I wouldn’t normally get to see and being wined and dined.
After three months, I felt comfortable enough for Tony to start chatting to other women.
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel the first time Tony went on a date to meet someone in real life, but actually, it was fine.
I kissed him goodbye, watched what I wanted on TV and had an early night.
Since then, we’ve never looked back. I go on about two dates a week, Tony about three a month – simply because there’s so many more men on the site than women.
I have men I see regularly. Some of them have even met Tony, which at first I felt really awkward about, but actually, now, it makes life easier. ‘ You haven’t heard from Mike* recently,’ Tony will say. ‘ You should message him.’
‘I texted him just last night,’ I’ll reply.
‘Ah, you’re having secret text chats, are you?’ he’ll joke.
Over time, we’ve developed our own set of rules. Whoever we meet must know we’re in a long-term, committed relationship, we have to tell each other where we’re going and if we start to feel differently about the way our relationship works, either tempted to stray emotionally or threatened, then we sit down and talk about it.
I’m now 46 and, after living like this for over 10 years, that hasn’t happened yet. We’re honest about everything – so how can I be jealous?
‘I have men I see regularly for sex – some have even met Tony’