‘I’ve spent my life hiding my weirdness
At 45, Laura James, a mum-offour, made an astonishing discovery which explained her tantrums, obsessions and unusual reactions…
It was the hottest day of the year. The air conditioning was broken. The hospital tests had been long and uncomfortable. And I was hungry.
Having had to go nil by mouth before the day-long tests, I was looking forward to a tuna sandwich and a cup of tea.
But the food and drink failed to arrive. And I felt myself start to melt… or at least lose my cool.
I had what an onlooker would probably have described as some kind of epic toddler tantrum.
But I was 45, not a toddler. A kindly nurse talked me down. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she soothed. ‘ You are autistic and we should have looked after you better.’
And just like that, years of confusion, fear and the feeling I was constantly failing were explained.
Well, this isn’t a movie – the understanding didn’t come as quickly as the tea and sandwich, but that day in 2015 was the start.
A light-bulb moment that explained so much.
To the outside world I probably look pretty sorted. Lucky, even. And I am.
I have a solid 25-year marriage to Tim, who is a photographer, four children and a successful career as a writer. But all of my life
I have felt I had to hide my ‘weirdness’ from others.
My rigid routines are something people often remark on. It can drive Tim to distraction.
My very specific coffee shop routine; my need to use the same service stations; my need to have my bed ‘just so’.
I line up my clothes and nail polishes in order of colour and feel uncomfortable if someone moves them. I repeat words or phrases in strange ways.
I find eye contact difficult and my reactions to situations are often slightly ‘off’.
But up until that day I had just got on with things – wondering why other people didn’t seem to find ‘normal’ life so challenging.
From my very earliest memories I have always felt… different.
I can vividly remember standing in the school playground at the age of five and watching my peers.
‘Do they find it difficult?’ I wondered.
They didn’t seem to.
The noise. The smells. The lessons. The friendships.
To me, school was sensory overload. I was left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
I left school without a qualification and barely a friend. My teens were equally torturous. I would look at other women my age and try to copy the way they behaved.
On the surface nobody else seemed to be bewildered at ‘everyday’ life – like
I was.
‘Maybe they are just trying harder,’ I would scold myself.
I often wondered if it was because I was adopted and raised as an only child.
I found relationships – especially in my teenage years – unfathomable and difficult to navigate. Girls I know would find a boy attractive, so they’d flirt with his friend.
Me? If I liked someone I would say: ‘I like you.’
Needless to say, I found adolescence especially tricky.
So difficult, in fact, that in my late teens I had a complete physical breakdown.
I was misdiagnosed with a variety of physical conditions. But mostly I blamed myself.
‘Must try harder’ was my mantra.
I was dogged with ill health – at one point I had 10 operations in just 12 months.
It turns out I was suffering from Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a condition that affects connective tissue and the collagen production in my body.
Tim joked that he thought collagen was produced by a big cosmetic company…
By then I had my glorious children – Lucy, Tatti, Jack and Toby. I love them
‘Nobody else was bewildered by ‘normal’ life, but I was’
fiercely, but other people found my parenting tactics… unconventional.
I never told my children off. What was the point?
If one said they didn’t want to go to school, I would agree.
Of course, it was me who was hauled in front of the head to explain an absence.
‘They didn’t want to,’ I’d say. Not the correct answer, it turns out. But, like I said, I was never suited to school…
You could say I had a very logical approach to parenting.
I can remember Tim complaining that one of the kids wasn’t potty trained at the age of four.
‘They’ll get the hang of it,’ I shrugged. ‘It’s unlikely they’ll go on a first date wearing a nappy…’
Poor, understanding Tim. He must find my reactions to certain things bewildering.
I approach life logically – rather than emotionally. And I am obsessional.
I can name obscure dog breeds, but I’ve never been good at making friends. I’ve never been a bridesmaid.
I do occasionally walk past a restaurant and see a group of women and feel a pang. I would like to know what it’s like to have a group of friends like that.
Now my autism diagnosis explains some of my traits.
I find simple small talk impossible. I can’t pretend to like someone.
I suffer from sensory overloads. A noise, a light under the door, even the seam on a sock can become overwhelmingly distracting.
My kids joke about my mum ‘superpower’. I can walk into our house in Norfolk and just from the smell recognise who has visited.
But talking to a psychiatrist who confirmed my autism diagnosis I felt a mixture of relief and elation because, finally, I have some answers.
These days, armed with my new self-knowledge,
I am kinder to myself. I have coping strategies.
I write post-it notes reminding myself to eat.
I know I’m not failing, I just find certain things difficult.
And I have become an ambassador for the National Autism Society. Autsim spectrum disorder (ASD) is estimated to affect one in 100 people in the UK. Some of these people will be adults who have gone undiagnosed.
Finding out there’s nothing wrong with me – I’m not broken, just different – is revolutionary.
It’s transformed my life. l World Autism Awareness week starts on 30 March. For info go to autism.org.uk l Odd Girl Out by Laura James, £16.99 published by Bluebird
Former rugby ace Ben Cohen and his partner, Kristina Rihanoff - aka the ‘Marilyn Monroe of the dance floor’ – swiftly became the talk of StrictlyComeDancing back in 2013.
The dance-floor pairing blossomed into a romance after Ben left his wife – the two went on to get engaged and have a baby girl, Mia, now three.
But what of the woman Ben left behind? After 11 years of marriage and two children, Ben was adamant there was no third party involved when he and wife Abby announced their split in 2014. A year later, he and Kristina went public. A devastated Abby commented, ‘I’d supported this man throughout his career. We were going to grow old together, but Ben chose a different path and I didn’t fit in with that, sadly. I was left behind.’
Last week, the 41-yearold opened up about that painful chapter in her life in heartbreaking detail, confessing her ‘whole world fell apart’. She added: ‘It’s like a bus that hits you. I was completely broken…
‘One moment you’re a family unit, the next you not only lose your husband, but your children when they’re with their dad. I couldn’t handle being in the house without them.’ The mum-of-two went on to explain that, like anyone, it took her a long time to accept that her childhood sweetheart had left her and moved on with another woman.
‘I thought, “I won’t – I can’t – ever recover”… It was like I was lost at sea not knowing where the shore was… I felt such massive despair… I almost went grey overnight… There were times I couldn’t breathe.’
Any woman who has gone through the shock of a split in such circumstances will understand just some of the pain she felt. But it seems even though her struggle was tough, the sun has come out again for Abby.
‘My biggest regret is spending all those years crying – I don’t know how my body produced as many tears as it did.’ She added: ‘Five years was a long time to be sad... I’d wake up at 3am and phone my brother, Oz. He and my dad massively supported me.’
Today, the photographer has made a fresh start with her twins with Ben – Harriette and Isabelle, now 12– and her new ‘perfect man’ Dave Warner, whom she met on a dating app. The night they met, she recalled ‘thanking God’ – as it was someone she knew she could fall for again.
If Abby’s experiences teach us anything, it’s never give up hope – you never know what (or who) is around the corner.
‘I don’t know how my body produced as many tears as it did’