Men DO cry: The devastating danger of male suicide
Suicide is the most common cause of death for men aged 20-49 in the UK. The WHO predicts that with the added anxiety of Covid-19, there’ll be a huge increase. To mark World Suicide Prevention Day, Lewis Rees, 37, bravely explains how he came back from the
Nursing my sixth pint of beer, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call my girlfriend, Claire. My screensaver was a picture of our three children – George, 11, Harry, nine, and Elsie, six – but the photo seemed blurry after the amount of drinks I’d had. Claire didn’t answer.
She didn’t like it when I drank and things were so bad between us, we were hardly talking and I’d moved into my own flat.
I missed her and the kids so much, but I kept drinking and taking recreational drugs and Claire had had enough.
I wanted to be a better partner and a better dad, but I kept making mistakes. I’d tell myself I was useless and resort to another night on the booze. I’d pushed everyone who cared about me away.
I was trapped in a horrible cycle of depression, anxiety and loneliness.
I’d spend all my money drinking at weekends, then feel terrible about myself. Suicidal thoughts had swirled around my mind for two years.
A roofer by trade, when lockdown happened I could see a recession looming. More anxiety flooded my brain.
It was only a matter of time before work dried up.
I worried about my parents and grandparents contracting Covid-19. Every day, there was more bad news.
In the building trade, we’re generally not the sort of men to talk about our feelings, so I drank instead.
I hit rock bottom on Thursday, 21 May. I came home from work, had a few drinks and went to see Claire at our home in Kent. She was annoyed with me for drinking.
We argued and I got a cab back to my flat.
I hated myself so much. I ended up drinking for four days, spending £800 on drugs and alcohol. I didn’t sleep. I knew that when I stopped, the hangover would begin.
‘This is your life now, there’s no way out,’ I thought to myself, trapped by my bad decisions.
In tears, I called my sister, Hayley. ‘I want to end it,’ I cried down the phone.
Poor Hayley. It isn’t easy to help someone who was in the state I was in.
But she reminded me of an old school friend, Sam.
‘I saw on Facebook that he has set up a support group for men called Mentality,’ she said, urging me to get in touch with him.
I did – what did I have to lose? And although we hadn’t spoken in years he offered me a lifeline.
A gentle, non-judging voice on the end of the phone.
At Sam’s suggestion, a few days later I met up with him and Matt – another member of Mentality.
They listened. They understood.
That was the start of my recovery.
They made me feel welcome, hopeful even, inviting me to join their weekly meet-up.
I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs since.
Whenever
I had suicidal thoughts, I called Sam. He always found something in me worth celebrating. It had been a while since I’d felt like there was anything good about me.
I’d tried AA meetings in the past but I used to dread them and came out feeling like I wanted to go to the pub.
The Mentality group is different. We meet up outside, exercise and meditate. Sometimes we talk deeply, sometimes we laugh and joke.
It was fun and I enjoyed myself, which felt like a new experience.
I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings before, maybe because I’m surrounded by men who see vulnerability as a weakness. Now, I realise it takes incredible strength to talk.
I know many men are where I
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned’ ‘I’m not alone, I’m part of a community. Talking has saved my life.’
was. Lockdown has put added pressure on us all and with job losses ahead, we need to lean on each other. When you have people around you who care about you, you grow into a better person.
I now have no desire to end my life. I go running twice a week and I have a personal trainer. I look forward to every Mentality meeting because it is the anchor which gives me strength to get through the rest of the week.
Claire and I are happier than ever and the kids are thriving. I’m no longer drunk or hungover, grumpy or tired, promising them days out then letting them down. I’m fresh and full of energy. We go swimming in the river and George and Harry come running with me. It’s amazing seeing the difference in children who worry about their dad’s wellbeing and children who worry about whose turn it is on the Xbox. They’re more loving towards me and much happier, which makes me happy.
In June, Sam invited me to join the Mentality support team, helping other men who reach out to us. Being part of this team is like nothing I’ve ever had before. I don’t want anyone to be in the dark place I was and I’ll do anything to inspire other men to find their way out.
Claire says:
‘Lewis was destroying himself and our family. It got to the point where we could not live together. He missed out on so much and it broke my heart but I couldn’t have him around the children. Recently, he told me he was happy. I’ve waited so long to hear him say that. If he hadn’t found Mentality I don’t think the kids would have a dad now. Those guys have helped Lewis get his life back. He’s the most incredible father. I’m so happy he’s back in our lives.’
‘Now I realise that it takes incredible strength to talk about feelings’
Mentality campaigns to ensure no one suffers in silence. Search for #gotyourback or @mentalitygroup.org on Facebook.