My 40-something bucket list
Tova Leigh rediscovered herself by setting up a list of challenges…
Iwas 42 when I made my bucket list. To be honest, it was a long time coming. I’d begun mulling it over when I turned 40. Something clicked – I started questioning who I was, apart from a mum and a wife.
My girls were still young, seven and five, but we’d finished the days of nappies, sleepless nights and the general fog that comes with those first years of parenting.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I had no idea who I was any more. The girl I used to be in my 20s and 30s, the bubbly, adventure-loving, world-traveller, had vanished. All that was left was a tired, slightly dishevelled mum in granny pants.
Then I had a health scare. A little something on my left breast, which luckily ended up being nothing. But it gave me the kick up the bum to go out and rediscover myself – and have a blast while I did it!
One night, I made a list of all the things I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to. All the things I thought I might be too old for, or too much of a ‘mum’ to do. And things that I used to love doing when I was younger and had stopped doing.
It was a crazy list with around 10 things on it from bungee jumping to pole dancing and even reaching Everest Base Camp, I honestly had no idea if I’d do half of them, but I was determined to try.
The first thing I did was a bungee jump.
When I turned 30, I’d jumped out of a plane, but I never got around to bungee jumping, so this was an obvious one. I booked it online and, on the day, I rolled up with my husband, Mike – who thought I was mad – at UK Bungee Club in Windsor, close to our hometown of London. I was the oldest person jumping that morning and, even as I got on to the crane, I still wasn’t sure I’d actually do it…
When I reached the top, 300ft up, I had a wobble. What was I thinking? This is crazy, I’m a mum, I’m in my 40s, I have responsibilities…
Then the operator said,
‘ You can do this!’ and I realised I needed to pull myself together.
I took a breath, then jumped. It was exhilarating, and, if I’m being honest, it made me feel a bit queasy – but I was proud of myself for doing something that scared me.
The next thing I did was a complete makeover, which
not only included a wardrobe revamp, but also dying my hair bright pink.
I got my pal, Eva, involved. She’s my most fashionable friend. She helped me ditch my baggy bras and huge pants, as well as my shapeless leggings and tops, and replaced them with fitted dresses I’d never have picked for myself.
‘ You’re not Mummy!’ the kids shouted when I got back from the hairdressers. I took their words as a compliment. I was finally starting to look like me, not just Mummy.
Armed with new lingerie as part of my revamp, I decided to tackle my sexuality. Something that had been totally neglected since having babies. Something about my boobs becoming a breakfast bar and having to cross my legs every time I sneezed just didn’t shout sex goddess.
So I took up pole dancing! The first time I walked into the dancing studio in April 2018 was nothing short of terrifying. Surrounded by 20-year-old Victoria’s Secret models, I couldn’t have felt more out of place in my biker shorts and M&S bra.
At first, I was awful. I could barely move my hips, there was no way I could do those damn body rolls, and climbing the pole seemed like mission impossible. But I was determined to give it a proper chance and every week I returned until, eventually, I managed to climb that pole, an achievement that gave me more pride than finishing law school.
After gaining this newfound confidence, I decided to celebrate it by doing a nude photoshoot. It was something I’d wanted to do but was too shy. But first, I wanted to truly be comfortable in my own skin, completely and utterly naked. So I booked in for an afternoon at a nude spa (as you do).
Yes, it was awkward at first, but I quickly found it extremely liberating. In fact, as I walked home, I remember feeling odd about how distant people looked. I realised just how much our clothes mask us and how lovely it had been to interact with people in our most vulnerable form.
After that, the nude photoshoot was easy!
There were other items on the bucket list – a onewoman show which I got to take on tour to North America, writing my book, F*cked at 40, and the Everest Base Camp trek, which had been on my list long before I actually wrote it. I first went in my 20s with my then-boyfriend, but we never finished it because he got sick. It was something I’d always regretted.
This time, in November 2018, I took my brother, Oavd, and it was a real oncein-a-lifetime opportunity for us to spend so much time together. This was probably the most challenging thing I did, not just physically, but mentally too. Leaving my husband and the kids for nearly three weeks and travelling to the other side of the world filled me with fear and guilt, but I don’t regret doing it for one minute.
Someone told me before my flight to Kathmandu that ‘the best things in life are beyond fear’, and I reminded myself of this every time doubt crept in. It summed up the reason why I made my bucket list to begin with. The idea that life is way too short and fragile not to live it to the fullest, every day.
Now I’m 45 and I’ll forever remember standing on the mountain with my brother and hanging up the flags our children designed for us. Mine said ‘girl power’, and as a mum of girls, who’d started this whole journey to prove to herself I was more than just that, it was a real moment of celebration.
F*cked at 40 by Tova Leigh is published on 9 March 2021 by Watkins Publishing, priced £10.99, available online and from all good bookstores.