Vanessa & BEN'S FIGHTING TALK

This month, our columnists Vanessa Feltz and her partner Ben Ofoedu are not seeing eye to eye about Vanessa’s penchant for a sugary snack as a treat after a hard day’s work. Let’s call it The Sugar Wars…!

Dearest Ben,

Everyone knows that I’ve been fighting a bitter battle with my weight. For years, I yo-yo dieted. Always in the full glare of the public eye. As the second most famous fat person in the UK after Dawn French, things escalated until I couldn’t even bite into an apple in the street, without someone yelling ‘Oy, V, don’t eat that!’ out of a lorry. In 2010, you kindly supported me through a gastric band operation – and when it all went wrong in 2019, you held my hand through the aftermath of having the band removed and a simultaneous gastric bypass.

You have been magnificent – truly non-judgemental and endlessly understanding. So, I know what I’m going to say next will drive you crazy. But please don’t go mad when I sneak a few Lindors or chocolate buttons, or even cheese straws or shortbreads on the sofa! I do it because I’ve eaten so little in the day.

I also do it as a treat and a bit of indulgence, after getting up for work at 3.30am. I know a couple of tomatoes or a stick of celery would be far better for me, but unfortunately, they just don’t do the trick. I’m not trying to get you to join in. You are usually a few gin and tonics in, anyway!

When you give me that disapproving look I read all sorts into it. You don’t actually have to voice your criticism for me to hear a whole chorus of disapproval. You know my mother put me on a diet when I was just eight years old. I was pretty skinny and not particularly interested in food but she was trying to stop me ending up with the same weight problem she wrestled with. Of course, entirely by accident she ended up dumping all her issues into me simply by depriving me of certain sweet foods. They were forbidden and so became desirable.

So you can see your ‘tuttutting’ sets off a host of unhappy childhood feelings. Please allow me a little bit of latenight indulgence, even if you think it’s weak-willed and pretty stupid.

Please, let me have my sugar-fix in peace, without your beady eyes boring into me.

Love and kisses, Vanessa xx

‘A stick of celery just doesn’t do the trick’ VANESSA ‘Please, let me have my sugar-fix in peace!’

‘I will never police your calories’

Dear Sweets,

It’s not the calorie content as much as the mess on the sofa that bothers me. I’m partial to Lindor myself, especially at Christmas and birthdays. It’s more the constant rustling of paper every evening, as you’re opening the delights that have started to become a feature in our evening entertainment.

Not to mention the exit to bed, whilst leaving the evidence of a thoroughly good chocolate fest on the sofa. I’m always the last to go to bed, as you have to rise early and, in doing that, the task of cleaning up the crime scene is mine.

My darling, I would never be judgemental in any way over your calorie intake, as I know how hard you’ve tried to do the right thing, I am your numberone supporter, in all your decisions. I think we may have our wires crossed. Eat what you want – as long as it doesn’t have a wrapper, then that way they’ll be no more rustling – and nothing to clean up!

I’ll also now take into consideration the disapproving parental looks I give you – but, I assure you, it’s more to do with the wrapper rustling than anything else. I’m actually glad you’ve brought it up, because I had no idea that it reminded you of your mother, and I realise that things can trigger a not-so-nice memory. Also when I make dinner, you always tell me that I give you way too much food, and you couldn’t possibly manage that amount. So, if anything, I like you to eat. Anyway, darling heart, I can safely say it’s a misunderstanding. It was not, and never will be, my intention to police your calories. I am your loving partner, not your dietitian. Yours always,

Ben x

BEN ‘It’s not the calorie content that bothers me, it’s the mess’