BMW M1000R
If your mission is solely to go very fast indeed, you’ve come to the right place. With 196bhp at the rear wheel and barely a compromise to be seen, the M is seriously hardcore
After a hard day making a nuisance of ourselves in the Peaks, we head to our accommodation in Matlock and discover we’ve all made the same error. Guessing none of the bikes would have rear ends suitable for tail bags (actually the KTM can manage one), we all bring rucksacks and consequently decide not to pack heavy-duty locks. Which means four very expensive motorcycles are in the hotel car park waiting to get nicked. We push them under the CCTV camera outside reception, then rearrange them so the M1000R is hardest to get at. Ours is fitted with the M Competition Pack (an extra £5500!), and the stickers, carbon wheels, blue anodised bits and ostentatious wings mean the BMW will surely be the prime target for scumbags, who we assume have the mentality of teenage twerps.
And so we come to the M’s first potential problem: image. Whereas the M1000RR superbike looks like a proper replica of Mr Razgatlioglu’s WSB racer – and is therefore deeply wonderful
– the R looks suspiciously like an S1000R with a lot of bits bolted on. The wings especially appear to be an after-thought compared to the integral ones on the KTM and Aprilia, and the slightly more subtle devices adorning the Streetfighter.
‘I know it’s blingy, but I don’t mind the look of it,’ says Michael as he and I stand by the bikes having failed to persuade young Carl to sleep among them. ‘My main problem is the engine. For me, a supernaked is a road bike, so it has to handle well – which they all do – and must have an interesting engine at road speeds. That’s where
the Aprilia, Ducati and KTM score – you don’t have to rev them for them to be entertaining. By contrast, the BMW feels flat and boring at lower revs.’
Describing an engine that makes a genuine 196bhp at the back wheel as flat and boring might sound perverse, but I know what he means. The KTM has such monstrous amounts of torque at low revs it can’t help but feel exciting, and the Ducati’s instant throttle response delivers a similar vibe. On paper the Aprilia’s numbers aren’t so different to the BM’S, yet the Italian contrives to feel more lively thanks to cleverly chosen gear ratios and an intoxicating V4 drone. By contrast, the M1000R – despite its clever Shiftcam system to boost the midrange – feels a bit ordinary. The top end, though, is extraordinary. In the interests of scientific research I venture into it twice with the throttle fully open (both on motorway slip roads) and haven’t fully recovered. Ye Gods it’s cataclysmically fast. If the Streetfighter is a baseball bat with nails in (and believe me, it is), the M is a brick in a sock – slightly softer to the touch, but you really don’t want to mess with it.
The problem is that when you access the M’s level of power, the resultant speeds are incompatible with any vehicle not competing in Motogp or leaving the atmosphere for outer space. This means 196bhp at 13,500rpm very quickly becomes academic in a way the KTM’S 85 lb.ft of torque at 4000rpm never does. The KTM can be hilarious fun well below 70mph, whereas the BM comes alive above 120mph.
The riding position is similarly full-on. It’s the sportiest of the bunch and is perfect blatting through Winnats Pass – the flat handlebars throw plenty of weight over the front and within two corners they’ve put me in the mood for a hustle, at which point the engine makes sense too. The steering is gorgeously neutral and, like the others, the brakes are outstanding.
But, just as the Streetfighter’s fiery attitude becomes tiresome after too much exposure to real life, so too does the M’s sportiness – the seat is the hardest of the four, the ’bars make town riding uncomfortable because of the weight on your wrists, and engine vibes can leave your fingers buzzing after an hour at 80-85mph on the motorway. But the M is a weird mix, because in other ways it’s the most sensible, with the tightest turning circle, best heated grips, plus hill hold control, cruise control and adjustable ’pegs.
‘I thought I’d really like this because I love track riding and want the ultimate,’ says Michael. ‘It’s fast and handles superbly, but it’s too track-focused for the road – it’s gone too far.’
‘It’s like a brick in a sock – soft to touch, but you don’t want to mess with it’