Yoh’m ’avin’ a loff – more from the pen of T.H. Gough

IN the 1930s journalist T.H. Gough had a regular column in the Dudley Herald in which he recorded humorous tales of the old Black Country, often written in the traditional dialect so often incomprehensible to outsiders.

These tales were collected into several volumes of Black Country Stories, published by the Birmingham firm E.F. Hudson, that were reprinted several times into the 1940s. These are a selection:

A defendant was asked by the Clerk to the Justices what his father was. “O, ’e’s jed,” was the reply “Yes,” said the Clerk, “but what was he before he died?” “O, ’e was alive,” said the man.

* At most of the chapels and little bethels of the old days there was always someone (usually the most well-to-do as far as worldly circumstances went) who bossed the proceedings. At a chapel at the Lye, whenever at a prayer meeting a praying member went on too long for the leader, he was told to stop, as it was time they sang a hymn or two for a change! A vicar enquired why it was that a parishioner, formerly a regular attender at church, had not been for some months.

“Not Atheism, I hope,” said the vicar.

“No, worse nor that – rheumatism,” was the reply.

* At a Church Parade in Dudley many years ago, an inexperienced young officer was in charge. When marching through the square, wanting his company to go down a particular street towards the Town Hall, he forgot the correct official

words of command. Having tried several versions ineffectively, at last, in desperation, he shouted, “Damn it, turn down New Street, you b____s!”

* In the bus two girls were talking. One said, “I must hurry home, as Sandy Powell’s on the wireless at 6.30.”

“But I didn’t know you’d got a wireless,” said the other.

“No, the fact is, we’ve only just had it. We thought of doing up father’s grave, but bought a wireless instead, as mother said she was sure father wouldn’t know.”

* Two young men were bathing from an old boat in the canal. The one dived into the water, and when he came to the surface his friend shouted, “Come out an’ get dressed. This boat’s aleakin’”

“Not me,” replied the other. “I’m goin’ to dive in and stay down as long as I con; it’s arainin’ up ’ere.”

* Did yo’ ’ear Joe snorin’ doorin’ the sermon?”

“I should just think I did. It was disgraceful – it woke me up!”