Stars in ’is Eyes

Young Simon woz a bostin’ lad, lived all ’is life in Gornal An’ unless yo know’d ’im really well yo’d think ’is life woz normal. But ’e never know’d ’is mom an’ dad, they died when ’e woz young Soo ’is ant an’ uncle brung ’im up an’ guided ’im along.

Now Simon an’ ’is Uncle Joe growed close ter one another; Joe wor just like an uncle, ’e woz mooer like a bruther, An’ as the lad got o’der they yewster share their pleasure: Drinkin,’ fishin, dahn the Wolves – they dun ev’rythin’ tergether.

Then one dark night in winter as they woz drivin’ um They run intew a juggernaut – Joe just day see it come The tew on ’um woz smoshed ter bits, there woz nuthin’ left at all Of Uncle Joe above the waist an’ they fun’ out at Russell’s ’All That Simon woz the opposite; ’is bottom ’arf ’ad gone. Soo they sewed the tew ’alves tergether an’ med ’um inter one!

Well Simon convalesced fer wiks an’ months an’ just ter pass the time ’E learned ter play the geetar an sewn ’is playin’ woz sublime. ’E got ’imself a few paid gigs playin’ Gornal’s pubs Then ’e really ’it the big-time an’ played some Tip’n clubs!

Then one night at Ant Mary’s when they woz watchin’ telly Wot should come on but “Stars in their Eyes” wi’ the beardie, Matthew Kelly. “Yo should ’ave a goo at that”, ’is Anty Mary jokes, “Yo’ve got mooer talent in yer little finger than three-quarters o’ them folks!”

Soo Simon gorriz biro out an’ wrote ter ITV. ’E said, “Last wik’s show woz rubbish. Yo should tek a look at me.” Well, ter ’is surprise an’ great delight they gid ’im an audition. ’E passed, an’ ’e woz on the show – the very next edition! “An’ ’oom yer gooin’ ter be ternight?” asks Kelly tew our star. “Ternight, Matthew, Ah’m gooin’ ter be summat with a twist” E said, “Ah’m Simon an’ ’Arf Uncle !” an’ ’e walked off threw the mist!