Booked in to Halden

✒ WELL folks, I’ve already chosen my holiday destination for next year. Provided this pandemic is under control with a vaccine, I’m off to Halden prison in Norway.

Dear old Ann Widdecombe was our tour guide of this paradise on Channel 5’s documentary. She made no attempt to hide her astonishment and disgust at this five star retreat for naughty boys.

She’s just how I imagine a schoolmistress in the 1950s and 60s would have been like. Bradley Walsh refers to Anne Hegerty on ITV’s The Chase as “Frosty Knickers”, but compared to our ex-MP, she is a voluptuous, alluring vixen (steady on Beau, calm down).

“Inmates” are even allowed conjugal visits from their partners. It’s more than the average man enjoys!

I’ve already contacted Halden and they’ve agreed to install a wine cellar together with a personal sommelier for my visit. However, “regulars” will be restricted to one bottle per day and will have to pour their own drinks (oh, the sacrifices these men have to endure!).

Since this programme was aired, bookings at the the Ritz and Savoy hotels have plummeted. The manager of this Norwegian paradise has been asked to run both these prestigious establishments, but said: “It’s a great honour, but I can’t accept a position that fails to meet my high standards.”

A disgruntled Widdecombe ranted: “I’m so disgusted with this regime, I won’t return for at least six months.”

Take care my friends and remember, it’s a jungle out there.

Beau Legs

Bristol