True meaning of Xmas

✒ HELLO, my friends, after all these years I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas. It’s for people who can’t spell Christmas.

I see that new regulations say Santa’s helpers must wear a seatbelt at all times when they’re on the sleigh. It’s elfin safety gone mad.

On Christmas eve I went to the butchers shop and asked: “Do you keep dripping?” He replied: “Yes I do, and it’s very embarrassing.”

This year I bought a large tree and the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said: “No, I was thinking of putting it up in the lounge.”

No doubt there were shouts of feigned amazement in thousands of homes nationwide: “Oh, socks, what a surprise! (yawn, yawn)”, and “Darling, I didn’t expect talc and soap (snivel, snivel).”

I got ‘er indoors a small bottle of exclusive perfume called Ample. I just hope she doesn’t notice where I scraped off the “S”.

I bought my son a flat piece of cardboard, although why he wants an ex-box I’ll never know.

I must admit it’s been the quietest Christmas for ages. I think it’s due to my beloved accidentally putting temazepam on the cake!

What has 2021 got to offer? Panic buying (again), more reality TV shows, a plethora of cookery programmes, and the Covid pandemic (deep joy).

Well, brandy, you will be my best friend in the coming months! Did you realise reality is the illusion caused by the lack of alcohol?

Take care, batten down the hatches and let’s give two fingers to this bloody virus. Remember, it’s a jungle out there.

Beau Legs

Bristol