Why I set up a support group for child-free adults
ABRISTOL woman set up a counselling group to support and empower others who are child-free.
Hayley Watkins, 42, and her partner made the choice not to have children 22 years ago.
She says she’s encountered people who find her decision “strange” – due to ‘the social expectation on women to become mothers.’
In 2022, Hayley, a qualified counsellor, learned she needed to set up a counselling group in order to gain her qualifications as a psychotherapist. She picked the subject closest to her and this month the Cactus Childfree counselling group was officially launched.
Hayley wants to use the group to tackle different experiences childfree people have – including anger about being “put into a box”, pride over “celebrating the alternatives” and to help those in a “more contemplative place” on the matter.
Hayley, who is in a civil partnership, said: “Child freedom means something different to different people. I’m starting this group because there’s so much to say. Some people on the other side of it resent this is even an emerging area to talk about. Even starting the Cactus group feels rebellious.”
Hayley said she knew she didn’t want children from a young age – recalling a time she admitted it aged just five. As she grew up, and became an adult, she never faced much pressure from family to follow that path. But says she felt “a background rumble” – such as rolled eyes and insisting that she would change her mind.
She said: “I had some comments from colleagues – I was told I’d want children by the time I’m 30. For some people it’s strange not to plan to have kids in the future. There is an expectation that we will have kids and it’s a bit strange if we don’t.”
Because of the social pressures some people encounter, Hayley wanted to create a safe space to discuss a decision to be child-free.
She said there will be an intake process for new members of the inperson group to ensure everyone can integrate well.
Hayley said: “Many people have always been child-free and are angry about being pushed into a box. There are energetic rambunctious people who want to celebrate the alternatives of life.
“People may be there if they have had several rounds of IVF, and even if they’ve embraced that child-freedom, they may be in a more contemplative place.”
She added: “People assume it’s just for child-free women, but it’s for everyone.”
Hayley explained some people may be feeling like they should start a family to please others. But the group is to reassure people their choice to be child-free is a “valid” one.
Hayley feels running the group will be “enriching” for herself too – in a way that is the “nearest substitute” for parenting.
She said: “While I’m not having kids, I’m helping people who already exist to be happier, and more fulfilled.”