Traumatic journey but Tom in better place now
FORWARD OPENS UP ON GRIEF AFTER MUM DIED
“I’M in a good head space at the moment mentally, probably one of the best I’ve been in for a long time,” says Tom Lawrence.
Those words, so good to hear, merely scratch at the surface of what has been a traumatic journey for the Derby County player.
Lawrence has made headlines on and off the pitch in the past year. Behind those headlines is a story of heart-wrenching grief and a battle to cope after his mother, Deborah, was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died. She was 56.
Handling grief is tough enough. Handling grief when in the spotlight, when trying to perform in front of thousands of people each week, as Lawrence did, is a battle beyond the battle.
And the battle continues for the 26-year-old but he has made sufficient strides forward to feel ready to open up and reflect in an interview in The Rampage, the club’s in-house magazine.
Lawrence joined Derby from Leicester City in 2017 having caught the eye during a loan spell with Ipswich Town in which he scored 11 goals in 43 games. Some spectacular goals, too. He has that in his locker.
Derby, under Gary Rowett, reached the Championship play-offs in Lawrence’s first season at the club.
“We made the play-offs but we weren’t a free-flowing team at the time,” said Lawrence. “I enjoyed playing under Gary Rowett but it was a difficult season.”
Fulham proved a hurdle too high to clear for Derby in their play-off semi-final and change followed. Rowett departed for Stoke City and Frank Lampard was appointed Rams boss in May 2018, a first managerial role for the Chelsea legend.
Lampard won his first game in charge, Lawrence heading a lastgasp winner on a balmy August night in Reading.
“Frank was really good with the team,” said Lawrence. “He spoke to people, spoke to me a lot and believed in everyone here.
“He was very good at man-management.
“If the manager speaks to you then it’s always going to help you. I was enjoying my football more than I had done since Ipswich.”
But Lawrence’s world was about to suffer a devastating blow.
“It was just after Christmas when I found out that my mum had terminal cancer. She was given six months to live but she deteriorated very quickly,” he recalled.
“I didn’t mention it for a while. I didn’t want it to affect my football but I didn’t realise how much it would.
“I tried to block it out at first. I was travelling four hours a day to go and see my mum and then she would go into hospital, having operations and chemotherapy.
“It was hard in that sense. I was trying to separate it from football.
“I told Frank Lampard and he was brilliant. He had gone through it with his family, so he talked to me and said if I needed anything to let him know.”
Lawrence sought solace in his football, determined to make his mum proud, but he was racked with intense pain.
“I was driving to training crying to myself in the car on some days,” he recalls.
“When I was in the training ground, I was just being strong.
“A few lads knew what was going on but I never really opened up.
“I asked Frank to keep it quiet. The coaches knew. Some people knew my mum was ill but not how bad.”
Lawrence was part of a Derby side pushing for a top-six finish again. Despite his pain, he played in the final 10 League fixtures during the run-in.
Derby beat West Bromwich Albion at home in the final League fixture to secure a place in the play-offs and a two-legged showdown with Leeds United.
“I remember the West Brom game at the end of the season because my mum watched it from hospital,” said Lawrence.
“We made the play-offs but I shot straight back home. After the West Brom game, we managed to get her home. She wanted to be at home when she died.”
The following day, May 6, 2019, Deborah Lawrence passed away peacefully with her family by her side.
“My mum was the glue to the family, so it was hard. We all tried to help each other in the best way. My dad was distraught and we tried to help him as much as we could,” said Lawrence, who played in both legs of the play-off semi against Leeds.
Derby lost 1-0 at home before they pulled off a famous 4-2 win at Elland Road to book a place at Wembley.
“I was in a bad way for the second Leeds game, especially, but it couldn’t have gone any better,” said Lawrence.
“If you ask me the best game I’ve ever played in, I would say that one by a mile – apart from my debut for Manchester United but that’s for different reasons.
“The Leeds game means that little bit extra to me, just because of the way it went and the group of lads we had as well. If you see me after one of the goals, I was just looking up at the sky saying ‘thank you’. It felt like she was looking down on me that night.
“I remember Frank ran on the pitch at the end and just hugged me and I completely broke down on the pitch.
“I pulled my top over my face because I didn’t want the cameras to see that I was crying. I don’t know why I did it.
“I wish I could tell you. It’s just such a hard thing as a footballer, that you feel you have to maintain this strong side of yourself, and you shouldn’t have to.
“If anyone else is going through that situation, I would tell them to speak out. When you speak about it, it helps, massively.”
Derby lost to Aston Villa at Wembley.
“After the play-off final, I just ran away,” he admitted.
“It was selfish looking back. I was in a zone where I didn’t want to think about it and I wanted to get away from everything.
“I still spoke to my family every day on the phone but I just needed to mentally get away.”
Lawrence drank alcohol that summer to ease his pain but pre-season quickly came around.
“I was back in football and I was blocking everything out. I was just concentrating on my football and I had a great pre-season. It was just my job again. I love playing football,” he said.
Lampard had moved on to Chelsea and Derby had a new manager at the helm in Phillip Cocu, who was made aware of Lawrence’s story.
“From day one he has been brilliant with me. He knew the situation from the start and he’s been brilliant to speak to. He speaks to me and if I have any problems, I know I can go to him,” said Lawrence.
Two exquisite finishes from Lawrence helped Derby to beat Huddersfield Town 2-1 in the opening game of the 2019-20 season and give Cocu a winning start.
Lawrence was back enjoying his football but was still suffering inside.
“As the weeks go by, you start slipping back into the old routines and I was back in a dark place again,” he recalled.
Then came September 24, 2019. Lawrence and team-mate Mason Bennett, who had been driving separate cars, were arrested after a crash shortly before midnight following a team-bonding day. Captain-at-thetime, Richard Keogh, was a passenger in Lawrence’s car and suffered a serious knee injury.
Lawrence and Bennett were convicted of drink-driving at a court case a few weeks later. The pair were banned from driving for two years and handed 12-month community orders. They were also fined six weeks’ wages by the club.
Keogh had his contract terminated on the grounds of gross misconduct, although he has appealed the decision.
Looking back, Lawrence said: “I take full responsibility for the incident. I’m sorry for putting everyone in danger that night. It was me driving the car and it should never have happened.”
The incident was a trigger for Lawrence.
“I just remember thinking ‘I need to change here. I need to get some help and I need someone to talk to’,” he said.
Lawrence missed the home victory over Birmingham City but he and Bennett were named in the squad for the game away to Barnsley. Lawrence started at Oakwell, Bennett appeared as a substitute. Their inclusion was not well received by all Derby fans.
“I saw comments from Derby supporters who were rightly unhappy and angry with what had happened,” said Lawrence.
“I expected boos from the other fans but hearing it from your own fans hurts, but I understood. I thought the only way I was going to win them back is performances on the pitch.
“I can’t take away what I’ve done in the past, so I needed to look forward and set myself goals on the pitch. I tried to keep my head down as much as possible and do as much as I could for the team.”
Lawrence scored in the next game, a 2-0 home victory over Luton Town. There were some boos when his name was read out before kick-off although there were far more cheers when he was announced as the scorer of the second goal.
“I remember speaking in the changing room before one of the games and someone asked me what I would do if I scored. I said that I would put my hands up and say sorry. There wasn’t much more I could do. With the seriousness of what I’d done, I just wanted to say from my heart how sorry I was,” said Lawrence, who has been doing his community service.
“I work in a cancer charity shop,” he explained.
“My mum went through her battle with cancer and they said it was a good idea to do that and I’m just helping out there. I’m tagging labels, steaming clothes, emptying boxes and tagging them all up.”
Lawrence has sought the help of psychologists and he is planning to honour his mum and help others out who are going through similar experiences.
“My overall goal is to set something up myself, whether it be from the grief of losing someone or to help families affected by someone suffering with cancer,” he said.
“The cancer my mum went through was hard for me and I didn’t deal with it like I should have, so I want to give something back.”
Read the full interview with Tom Lawrence in Derby County’s new 100-page monthly magazine The Rampage. To subscribe, go to dcfc. co.uk.