‘Yes, I struggle with my mental health, but I’m a good mother’ Caernarfon & Denbigh Herald writer AMELIA SHAW hits back after a letter questions her ability as a parent
IN this job you know you’re always going to be criticised for what you write.
But you never expect or prepare yourself for having your parenting skills doubted because of your mental health issues.
Last month I reported on an incident in the Pen Cob in Pwllheli where a man allegedly asked a mother and her five year old autistic son to leave the pub because he was being disruptive.
The accused was not identified in any way so I was surprised when, a week later, I arrived at the office to a letter on my desk from someone who did not identify himself, but said he was the man in question.
In his letter he denies the mother’s claims that he asked her to leave, he refers to her as a “silly single mum” who cannot cope with her child and he speaks of my similarities to her, questioning my “own issues regarding parenthood and mental health.”
I’ve been very open and honest about my anxiety, having first published an article about the realities of living with the disorder in January 2017.
I was pleased with the positive response it got and spoke of my condition again in October last year, hoping to raise awareness for Mental Health Day.
I can take other people’s criticism - I’m a firm believer that no one can judge me as hard as I judge myself, but the thought that someone is questioning my ability as a mother because I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) really shook me.
Of course it has crossed my mind that my anxiety might affect my ability as a mother. I harshly criticise myself on a daily basis for it - I once spent a whole week feeling sick and guilty because one day I put my three-year-old, James, in odd socks (what a terrible mother you must be if you can’t even put him in a matching pair of socks!)
According to Mind, the mental health charity, if you are cop- ing with a mental health problem, you may face additional concerns or difficulties as a parent.
Simon Jones, Head of Policy and Influencing at Mind Cymru, said: “A mental health problem can make the day-to-day challenges of parenting feel harder.
“For example, anxiety may make you more easily worried, or depression may mean that you have low energy.
“You may worry about how your mental health affects your child; for example, whether they may experience stress or mental health problems themselves.
“You or your child may have difficulties because of other people’s judgement about mental health.
“For example, people may judge your parenting abilities because you have a mental health problem, or your child may be bullied or teased.
“You may find it hard to seek help because you are worried that people may see you as a less capable parent, and you may put pressure ure on yourself to cope for longer than you are able.
“It can be easy to blame any difficulties you have as a parent on your mental health problems, or try to over-compensate by becoming a ‘perfect parent’.
“However, it’s important to remember that all parents have difficult times and there is no such thing as being perfect.
“Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or give yourself too much of a hard time.
“Remember that you have general skills as a parent – regardless of any mental health issues.”
One of the first things I wrote in my first article about my GAD was that I felt like I would never be a good enough mother.
I only had one child at the time and now I have two - two little people who depend on me for absolutely everything and I still feel like I will never be good enough.
Every single day I scold myself forfor notnot doingdoing enough,enough, notnot givinggiving enough cuddles, not playing for long enough, not reading them a bedtime story, not doing a healthy enough dinner... never enough.
Does having an anxiety make it more difficult for me to parent? Probably. But does it make me any less worthy of being a mother? No.
Sometimes it makes me irritable and I shout too much and get impatient, sometimes it makes me worry too much and I never want to let them out of my sight.
Yes, I have had ‘wobbly’ moments in front of them and yes I have cried, wailed even, when they’ve been in the house.
But I don’t think any of that means my mental wellbeing is affecting my parenting.
It’s hard to separate myself from my anxiety because, unfortunately, we go hand in hand - it’s hard to say whether on my ‘wobbly’ days I’m parenting in a certain way because that’s just me or whether it’s because I’m having a bad anxiety day.
I, like many other mothers and fathers, have days where I fe feel like I cannot cope - I don’t b believe anyone who says they’ve n never wanted go outside and sc scream their heads off when it a all gets too much (I actually have done this a few times – apologies to my neighbours).
I’m not the only mother in the world who is trying her best to parent whilst battling her own demons.
Successful singer-songwriter Nest Aneirin from Criccieth has sp spoken openly about her struggles with PTSD, having been sexually abused as a child.
Three months ago she gave b birth to Cadi-Glyn and, despite her anxiety, PTSD and depressi sion peaking during her pregnancy she says it does not affect her abilities as a mother.
Nest said: “Honestly I thought it would.
“My PTSD, depression and anxiety went through the roof th through my pregnancy.
“Luckily I had a lot of support, b but once Cadi-Glyn was here all the worries just left.
“Of course, I have the occasional trigger and bad day but I wouldn’t say it jeopardises my daughter and it definitely hasn’t affected me as a new mum.”
Let’s be honest – parenting is hard, even more so for those who don’t even feel strong enough to look after themselves some days.
But my kids are safe, they are loved, they are clothed and they are fed and, no matter how difficult the day has been and no matter how many times I’ve escaped outside and had a little scream, every night before bed James wraps his arms around me and says “I love you so much, mam” and that means more to me than anything.
If you’re struggling and need some advice you can visit www. mind.org.uk or call Mind’s infoline on 0300 123 3393, which is open from 9am to 6pm Monday to Friday. ● Why I asked mum to calm her boy in pub: Page 12