All hands on decking... but I could’ve done
DAD OF TWINS
2. The disappearing stain
Kate doesn’t shy away from the subject all new parents know about but don’t love – poo explosions – pointing out that they definitely take a bit of getting used to, and quickly turn all the beautiful white vests, baby grows and expensive outfits a much less attractive mus
A little bit of downtime had appeared in the weekend’s punishing schedule.
I’d earmarked the slot for a sit down and a read of the paper, but Victoria decided I should clean the outside decking. To be fair, it had steadily risen through the list of household chores, as stepping outside now presented a substantial risk to life and limb.
The greenish slipperiness had spread to every board during winter, until it had reached the current point, where it was impossible to go through the patio doors without falling over.
Since the twins also had nothing to
do, Victoria decided it would be a good idea if they helped me.
So, here’s a practical step by step guide to cleaning the decking ably assisted by a pair of three-year-olds.
■ Step one: repeatedly stress this is a terrible idea and they will only get in the way, slow the process, injure me or themselves.
■ Step two: realise you’re left with no choice because your spouse has already told them they’re helping with the pressure washer, and they’re now excitedly running around in wellington boots and raincoats.
■ Step three: clear the decking of all objects. You do this by moving very heavy plant pots on an incredibly slippery surface, while the children behave like curling stones.
■ Step four: mutter under your breath while they slide around on the garden furniture you asked them to move.
■ Step five: ask the children to move the smaller objects from the surface. They oblige by throwing everything over the wall into the neighbours’.
■ Step six: your spouse knocks on the window from the warmth and safety of the house, and angrily points at a child (Emma), who appears to be eating soil.
■ Step seven: one (or both) children slip on the decking and slide into the garden wall with a thud. Look at your partner through the window and shout ‘I told you it wasn’t safe out here’.
■ Step eight: rifle through the shed for hosepipe attachments to fit a pressure washer because the ones you left on a windowsill a year ago are gone.
■ Step nine: fire up the washer, chase the children with it, let them pull the trigger and then simply watch as they both drench each other.
■ The final step: remove the shivering children from the outdoor area, finish the work you should have completed an hour ago and tell yourself the important thing is their happiness and not your blood pressure.