Game of love?

The moment we met, everything just slotted into place

Butterflies fluttered in my tummy as the chat turned into my first crush. Suddenly, I felt shy. It was early 2008, and I was only 10 years old. But, whenever the object of my affection was mentioned, I’d feel the same.

Hot, flustered, coy…

I couldn’t explain it. Especially because my crush wasn’t a boy at school.

It was our family car’s GPS system!

‘Please can I do it?’ I’d plead whenever someone went to programme in our destination.

I’d always make excuses to touch the GPS, to try to hold it close.

Something about its voice made me feel really happy.

As if we had some sort of emotional connection.

I didn’t share my feelings with anyone.

I didn’t know how to tell anyone – because I couldn’t understand how I felt myself!

And, like all first crushes, my feelings eventually faded and someone else caught my eye.

Pierre.

It was love at first sight when Pierre De Fermat and I met in my Advanced Statistics class at school.

By then, it was 2014, and I was a teenager, 16.

Only, Pierre was a calculator. I’d named him after the 17th-century mathematician.

‘He’s so sexy,’ I’d tell my school friends, gazing at his little buttons.

They giggled – they thought that I was joking.

But, before long, I was head-over-heels, madly in love.

Just the feel of Pierre’s buttons would drive me totally crazy and I’d use my tongue to press them.

Around the same time, while my mates all chatted non-stop about boys they fancied, I’d developed a strong attraction to Maths, as well as a fetish for Geometry.

I was obsessed, even called myself Fractal, after the geometrical term.

Using Pierre, I’d get aroused, generating random numbers.

Multiplying them. But we also had an intellectual relationship, he and I.

Well, he is a calculator,

I thought to myself.

I knew that my feelings weren’t normal.

My mates were getting boyfriends, talking about sex,

but only electronics pushed my buttons.

Then, in 2015, I read online about a woman named Erika La Tour Eiffel, 37, who’d married the Eiffel Tower in Paris in 2008

She described herself as objectum-sexual – meaning she was sexually and romantically attracted to inanimate objects. That’s me! I thought. Suddenly everything made perfect sense.

That’s why I’d never fancied real people, and why my first crush had been a GPS.

And why my first real love was a calculator.

Finally having an explanation for my feelings was so liberating.

I felt that, at last, I could be me, love who and what I wanted.

In June 2016, I took Pierre to the prom, but our relationship eventually fizzled out when I lost him.

But, over the years, I had feelings for monorails, ipods, even treadmills.

‘I know it’s unusual,’ I’d tell friends.

But my feelings were real – and so powerful.

Then, in September 2016, I met my soulmate – the Russian computer game Tetris.

Right from the start, it was an intense relationship.

I’d play him online, on my smartphone or game console.

As the familiar jaunty tune started up, I’d close my eyes in utter bliss. It was absolute ecstasy. ‘I love you,’ I’d whisper to my phone screen, tapping on the keys as I slotted the descending puzzle pieces into place.

I was studying Maths at university, but every day I’d sneak home early, just to get some alone-time playing with my beloved Tetris.

The satisfaction I’d get from clearing the rows of brightly coloured blocks made my heart race.

Running my fingers over the screen, I felt an electrifying passion…

Before long, I’d filled my room with Tetris-inspired things…a Tetris lamp, T-shirts and magnets.

I even designed and made my own Tetris necklace, so he was always close to my heart.

Tetris and I had a very physical relationship, as well.

I’d go to bed every night with rare Tetris hard drives and Tetris cushions.

Thankfully, friends and family have been accepting of my sexuality.

‘I get the same physical pleasure people in relationships get,’ I explained.

They’d laugh, but they didn’t judge me.

And I realised that it was a difficult concept to understand. But I knew. Tetris was The One for me. ‘I want to be Mrs Tetris,’ I told friends.

Just being with him made me feel as if my heart would burst with pleasure.

Tetris is the love of my life, and I feel I deserve the chance to stand in front of loved ones and make the same vows others do.

So, once I’ve graduated in a few years time, I’m planning a commitment ceremony with Tetris.

I want to be able to say I’m ‘married’ to him. People judge me, of course. I’ve been called a freak, but I simply ignore it.

I’m not doing anyone or anything any harm. I’m happy, and in love. This is the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

Tetris and I, well, we’re the perfect fit.

Tetris and I had a very physical relationship, as well