Report: The real cost of lockdown
‘Desperate and suffocated’ Sarah Banks, 38, Stanley Common, Derbyshire ‘17 weeks and counting’ Nicola Cooper, 34, Nantwich, Cheshire
Sitting in front of the TV, I gripped the side of the sofa as Prime Minister Boris Johnson gave his address. It was 23
March, a date we will all now remember as the day Britain locked down.
In that moment, I felt sick to my stomach, panic rippling through me.
My husband David, 48, took hold of my hand. ‘It’ll be OK,’ he told me. But the lockdown, while vital to stop the spread of coronavirus, had unearthed in me feelings of despair.
When I was 19, I’d had a mental breakdown, triggered by childhood trauma.
Through years of psychotherapy, I’d recovered.
My coping mechanism was to plan ahead.
Holidays, trips with friends, always having something to look forward to.
Boris’ warning to stay at home had snatched them all out of reach.
Days crawled by as
I stayed at home, feeling desperate and suffocated.
My thoughts grew darker and darker...
Until, three weeks later, I walked out of my front door, with plans to take my own life.
Thankfully, thinking of my husband and two daughters, aged 11 and 7, made me turn around and go home. With their help, I’ve since worked on finding other strategies to gain control of my life and manage my mental health again.
I threw myself into my work as an online business consultant, giving me much needed routine.
Country walks and meditation became my medicine.
Now I’m glad that it feels like we’re getting closer to normality.
We can finally see our friends and family.
The shops reopening and the loosening of restrictions on exercise and meeting people have helped. Of course, with pubs and cafes opening, we all fear a second spike and lockdown. But
I feel better prepared now. The future is still so uncertain, but I’m finding a way through the darkness.
We are all living in uncertain times. Many will have lost loved ones and livelihoods during the global pandemic. Even those who have not may have struggled with the isolation that lockdown has brought. So what’s the effect on our mental health? Two women told us how lockdown has hit them
Days crawled by and my thoughts grew darker
I realised I had to step away from social media
Tummy bugs and 2-year-olds are usually nothing to worry about.
So when my toddler, Max, picked one up in 2015, I could never have guessed where it’d lead.
My partner Jason, then 29, got the bug and then I did, too.
But though the boys got over it quickly, I already suffered with Crohn’s, an inflammatory bowel disease.
That meant it took two years to fully recover, and by 2017, I was having to inject myself with immunosuppressant drugs, lowering my immune system to stop it attacking my body.
I grew paranoid about germs, lived in fear of stomach bugs and vomiting.
Cleaning excessively, I was terrified of germs being brought into the house.
I made Max and Jason strip off and get changed when they got home from school and work.
Carried antimicrobial wipes wherever I went.
It led to a diagnosis of OCD, and later bipolar disorder and a borderline personality disorder. As time went on, I was able to find ways to deal with my diagnoses. I joined the women’s support charity Motherwell as a volunteer for their social-media team, and started counselling. Then lockdown happened. Classed as vulnerable because of the immunosuppressants, I wasn’t allowed outside, even for exercise.
Jason was furloughed in his call-centre job and we arranged online shopping.
With every news briefing detailing the rising number of deaths, my terror of catching COVID-19 soared.
I had increasingly vivid suicidal thoughts.
Burst into tears multiple times a day.
I realised that I had to stop watching the news and step away from social media.
I started speaking to my Motherwell counsellor over Zoom and joined an online reading group as a distraction.
Before lockdown, I’d already been poorly for a couple of weeks. So at time of writing this, I haven’t left the house for 17 weeks.
Jason and Max go out for exercise each day, but I make sure they strip off and wash as soon as they come back in.
I still worry what will happen when Jason goes back to work, when I’ll see my parents again.
But I’m taking every day as it comes.