It’s a (hire van) write-off!

I’m proud of having never written off a a car (unless you count the rusty MG Magnette MkIV I decided to have steam cleaned so we could ‘see how bad it was’).

Sadly, I have, in 2017, written off a vehicle: A heavily laden Vauxhall Movano hire van, which rose so much on its suspension after the mechanical components of almost two dismantled Opel Monzas had been unloaded, that its doors embedded themselves in my car port’s wooden roof frame. As I said in the report: ‘A wise man would have let the tyres down, but it was midnight, it was cold, and I’m not wise, so after consultation with my mate (who has a doctorate) I carefully drove the van forward; with a terrifying scrunch the door released but bent the van’s framework very badly.’

It’s the most reacted to story I’ve ever written for any magazine (upon hearing my name, a stranger later exclaimed: ‘You’re the bloke what wrote off that van, ain’t ya?’ and generated countless emails and texts from friends who’d seen the piece.

It also has a frankly weird postscript as the next time I went into that hire company (who shall remain nameless) I was, to be honest, expecting a cold shoulder but was actually given a round of applause and a discount because I’d won them their ‘secret’ internal competition for funniest write-off of the month! Apparently, it’s rarely ever won by UK entries (Russia and the Middle East apparently being the hit factories for daft vehicle write-off stories) but my stupidity was their worldwide internal email joy. Fame at last and it only cost me my £250 damage deposit... As to the Irmscher Monza 3.6 build, well, it’s still got snags to sort but does actually move about under its own power now and may have an MoT by the time you read this. I live in hope. Once it’s MoT’d it’ll need paint, but that may have to wait for funds until late next year.