Renault 5 Turbo
1981 Renault 5 Turbo 1 Owned by Ross Alkureishi and Richard Head (rossalkureishi@yahoo.com) Time owned Two years, 10 months Miles this month 112 Costs £0 Previously Fresh circuitry fitted
Ehm, what are you doing on February 5?’ asked my R5T other half, Richard. ‘It’s just that…’ Despite the query coming though by text message his pleading tone was clear. Turns out he’d only gone and arranged for the 5 Turbo to appear in an episode of upcoming ITV4 television series The Car Years, and of course it required a chaperone. He’d be in Geneva, but as it turned out I already had a six-car shoot nailed down in the New Forest.
So it was to race car and Renault 5 Turbo guru Ollie Melliard we turned. The bold M offered to collect our beast in his trailer, prep it at his workshop and then transport it to and from the Cambridgeshire shoot location. He’d also be on hand to ensure both it and the (ahem) reprehensible journo types all behaved themselves. And the result would be no contest, because it
would be going into battle against the plain-jane Audi Quattro Ur. Produced by The Classic Car
Show team, the new show pits two cars from the same year head-to-head, with respective journalists building a case for their choice and trying to persuade a panel of experts – including Classic Cars columnist Quentin Willson – to vote for it as the show’s Car of that Year. Come the day, he kept us both abreast via regular texts, as mobile phone vibrations abounded.
Our tripartite electronic conversation got progressively more surreal. Bzzzt, picture 1 from Ollie... bzzzt, ‘Vicky Butler-henderson wears Grenade Red 759’, came Richard’s response... bzzzt, picture 2; My retort, ‘Alex Riley offsets hallucinogenic Bertone interior by donning British Leyland Beige’... bzzzt, Ollie, ‘R5T farting flames on the over-run – Alex driving’; Richard and I (in simultaneous reply), ‘Cool’... bzzzt, Ollie, ‘dashboard clicking, and dash lights out’; Richard, ‘Probably a fire behind the dashboard’; Me, anxious emoji... bzzzt, Ollie; ‘Remarkably chilled about your car being on fire’; Richard, ‘WIRE, I meant wire’. The final communication from Ollie had us both smiling. ‘Vicky says she’d marry the Audi, but have an affair with the little red rascal because it’s more exciting.’ And the winner was? He’s kept firmly shtum – no doubt warned off from releasing spoilers to devious journo types.
The following day I received another e-correspondence from Richard. ‘Ehm, what are you doing on February 14?’ It was of course a request to chaperone the Turbo to the show’s static shoot in, you guessed it, Beaulieu – aargh, I’d just been there. Foregoing the chance to mix with TV types, Mr Melliard once again did the honours.
Cue Richard again, this time in actual analogue conversation. ‘I’m still in Switzerland – can you collect the car from Melliard’s when you get a chance?’ I agreed, refraining from pointing out our relationship was becoming even more demanding than my marriage, because this time was available and the opportunity for a turbocharged blast appealed. ‘Good, it’s in Nottingham.’ Of course it bloody is.