Recovering anorexic: “I’m a chef but I never taste the food”

Rebecca Quinlan has worked as a cook for two years, but despite battling an eating disorder for over a decade, she says she loves being in the kitchen

She spends her days baking scones and cooking hearty dishes, but not a morsel ever passes her lips because Rebecca Quinlan is a recovering anorexic.

Rebecca, 29, explains: “I love being in the kitchen and making delicious food. But even though it looks and smells amazing, I never taste any of it. I still find eating very hard.

“I’m in recovery now and my weight has been stable for the past five years. I’m weighed by a nurse every fortnight and, if my weight dips, I’ll be sectioned. I am getting better but I have to take it slowly.”

Rebecca can trace the very early stages of her anorexia to when she was 13 years old – her weight was completely normal, but she was a competitive runner, and believed that if she was lighter she’d be able to run faster.

She admits: “I wanted to be thinner, but my mum would always prepare meals and expect us to eat together as a family. She would tell me off if I didn’t eat enough, but I told myself that as soon as I left home I’d eat much less.”

DRASTIC CHANGE

Aged 19, weighing about 9st, Rebecca left her home in Chelmsford, Essex, to study sports science at Loughborough University, in Leicestershire, and immediately started restricting her calorie intake.

She says: “To start with, I’d have cereal for breakfast, an apple for lunch and vegetables and a bit of chicken for dinner.”

Rebecca’s weight dropped dramatically and, eight months after she started university, her concerned friends rang her parents. By then she weighed under 5st, severely underweight for her 5ft 9 frame. She could hardly walk, could no longer compete in athletic events and spent most of her time sleeping. Her clothes hung off her and her worried parents immediately sought medical help. Rebecca was sectioned and had to stay in an eating disorders unit.

She says: “It was hell. We were supervised at meal times and then afterwards we had to go to a communal lounge, so they could watch and check you weren’t throwing up.

“But my anorexia ended up getting worse. The girls would all swap tips on how to fool the doctors into thinking you were gaining weight, and how to lose anything you did put on as soon as you got out.”

Rebecca spent the following four years in and out of eating disorder units. But after her last release in July 2011, she was handed a community treatment order – a legal order that sets out the terms under which a person must accept medication and therapy, counselling, rehabilitation and other services while living in society. She now credits this with saving her life.

CLOSELY MONITORED

She says: “Rather than being in hospital, I’m allowed to live in the community under certain conditions – that I’m weighed at home every two weeks by a nurse and my weight has to remain steady at 7st 4lbs. Although my BMI was still low, this was a weight my medical team and I compromised on as

it felt manageable to me. But if I go so much as a pound under then I’ll be sectioned again. It’s worked for me and I believe that many other anorexics would be helped by the same treatment, but the orders are rarely given out – I don’t understand why and I’m going to start an awareness campaign. I feel very strongly about it as I could have died if I hadn’t been given one.

“When you’re in and out of units, you just drop to a dangerous weight again once you leave, but the order is a good incentive to stay a healthy weight and means I can be out living my life, reminding myself why I want to be healthy.”

Rebecca now sticks to a rigid meal plan. In the morning she’ll have dry toast and a glass of milk. Then she won’t eat again until she’s at home, at around 7pm, when she’ll have half a chicken breast or salmon fillet, with mounds of vegetables or salad. Before bed she’ll have a bowl of porridge and a protein bar. In total she eats roughly 1,400 calories a day.

She says: “I know I need to weigh more and that’s part of my ongoing recovery.”

Rebecca is also undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy – a talking therapy which helps change the way you think – every two weeks. And once every two months she sees a consultant psychiatrist.

Rebecca’s recovery is going well and two years ago she got a job working in a tea room near her home in Essex.

She says: “I can see the irony in choosing to work with food, but I love cooking for other people and seeing the pleasure that it can give.

“I’m not yet at the stage where I feel I can eat any of it – I’ve never tasted my own food – but I love the smell of freshly baked scones.”

STOLEN YEARS

She adds: “The manager did question it, but I pointed out I always get the waiters and waitresses to taste my food and check it’s OK, and they always tell me it’s really good. Maybe one day I’ll feel happy trying it, too.

“Anorexia has stolen the last 10 years of my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I lost a lot of friends. But I’m getting there. I’m doing a master’s degree soon in sports science and I hope eventually to coach athletes on nutrition and training. One day I’d love to meet someone and have a family. I’m full of hope for the future.”

❛ I love the smell of scones – hopefully one day I’ll feel able to try them❜