BREAK BAD RELATIONSHIP HABITS

Little patterns of negative behaviour can come between you and your partner so easily. Emma explains how to stop them becoming the norm – and ruining your happiness

Falling in love feels F magical, but after a while, familiar negative behaviours can creep into relationships, be it bickering, sniping or focusing on annoying niggles – and the longer they go on, the more they can become “the norm.”

PROCESSING EMOTIONS

The truth is, whoever you’re with, you can never escape yourself, so unless you work hard at your behaviour, these bad habits can turn a happy relationship sour. If certain behaviour patterns have crept into your previous relationships, recognising those (being oversensitive or overcritical, for example) means you can nip them in the bud before the damage is done again. Because, let’s face it, those past relationships failed, so you know the effect these habits can have!

One of the most common problematic behaviours I see in couples is blaming your partner for your personal unhappiness. When you feel stressed, anxious or dissatisfied, you project those negative feelings on to your relationship, because it’s easier than taking personal responsibility for your problems. Instead, take a step back to think why you feel the way you do. This gives you a chance to process your emotions rather than deflecting them on to your partner. And then talk to one another about your troubles. Remember, you’re a team – it’s not you versus your partner. Let them in!

A healthy relationship needs positive communication and collaboration. Instead of seething about a series of little annoyances until you blow a gasket, tell your partner what you need and why you need it, because no human being is psychic, no matter how well they know you.

When I feel annoyed with my husband, I list all his good points in my head and replay some of the wonderful things he has done for me. It immediately dampens the fires of fury and reminds me of what a wonderful man he is.

PICK YOUR BATTLES

Also try to gain some perspective and see yourself from your partner’s point of view. I’ve done this and accepted that I can have unrealistic expectations about what people should achieve – which can sometimes lead to me feeling let down by them. Recognising that has helped me to accept that I’m tough to live with, so I feel more grateful that he manages to put up with me!

Pick your battles and focus on your relationship strengths to turn the tide on those nasty habits. Rather than concentrating on the petty annoyances, imagine the gaping hole that would be left if your relationship failed and your partner wasn’t in your life.