What’s fuelling the lonely hearts epidemic?
With so many dating opportunities available at our fingertips, Closer investigates why there are more unhappy singletons than ever before…
When Jeanette Baker began her hunt for the perfect partner in March 2014, she was hoping for an attractive, lovely man to sweep her off her feet.
However, nearly four years later – despite going on countless dates and spending £30,000 on everything from dating apps to seductive outfits – Jeanette, 49, has yet to find the perfect match.
DAMAGED CONFIDENCE
And she now believes that changing attitudes towards dating are to blame.
Jeanette, a divorced teacher from Ramsgate, who has four children, Annabelle*, 29, Lucy*, 26, Tom*, 18, and Ben*, 17, says, “I never struggled with dating when I was younger and have been married twice. So I thought it would be exciting to be out there again.
“But the dating scene has completely changed – everything is online and, with so many different people to choose from, it seems impossible to find anyone who actually wants to commit.
“I’ve given everything to try to find my perfect man, but things are now so bad I’ve almost given up on finding love.
“It’s incredibly sad that so many people are single these days – being lonely damages your confidence.
“Unless we stop treating people like they’re disposable and start forming meaningful relationships, things are only going to get worse.”
Jeanette is just one of the millions suffering from the repercussions of modern dating.
The Office For National Statistics (ONS) revealed there are around four million more singles in England and Wales than 10 years ago.
Further research shows that one in four of today’s young adults is expected to reach 50 without getting married.
But despite one in five relationships now starting online, data shows that it still takes online daters more than twice as long to commit than if they met in person.
While it may not seem like a serious issue, a worrying recent study suggests that people can die more quickly from being single than being obese, because of feelings of loneliness and isolation.
FAKE EXPECTATIONS
Dating expert Aska Kolton explains that modern-day dating encourages people to think of relationships as temporary. She says, “Increasingly, people aren’t prepared to work on themselves and the relationship – they want quick fixes and an easy life. When things get tough they move on to the next person. And with online dating there seems to be so many options that it requires much less effort. “Technology has created disconnection between people. You can chat without meeting. You can have virtual sex. You can create your own virtual world online. These create a fake sense of belonging and fill the gap in life. People have become lazy and don’t make an effort to create deeper connections with others because it’s easier to grab your phone or hide behind the computer screen.”
It’s a situation that Jeanette knows all too well.
She explains, “I’d never had any trouble catching men’s eyes. I met my first husband on a night out when I was 18 and my second seven years later through a friend.
“So when my second marriage broke down in October 2013, I wasn’t too worried about getting back on to the dating scene.”
However, Jeanette quickly realised that modern dating wasn’t so easy. She says: “My friends were settled and didn’t want to go out with me and meet people the old-fashioned way in bars and clubs.
“So I signed up to the most popular dating apps and sites. I couldn’t believe how many men were available and began chatting to them online.
TOO EXPENSIVE
“Although things started off promisingly, I found that some of my matches would suddenly stop communicating for no reason, while others would refuse to meet even after a few weeks of chatting.
“This has now happened hundreds of times and always
❛I’VE LOST HOPE AFTER FOUR YEARS OF CONSTANT REJECTION❜
leaves me completely baffled. Twenty years ago, you’d meet somebody you liked face-toface, maybe talk to them briefly on the phone a few times and then go on a date.”
On the occasions Jeanette did manage to secure a date, she wanted to make sure she was looking her best.
She says, “I normally end up going on about five dates a year, though I’ve arranged many more and it’s already cost me £30,000 over four years.
DISHEARTENING
“I want to make sure that I look as good as possible, so I’ve spent £2,000 on a brace to correct my teeth, splurged £10,000 on clothes and joined a gym with a personal trainer to tone up, which cost £5,000.
“The dates are also expensive. Sometimes I travel hours to get there – which costs a lot of money alongside paying for food and drink when we’re there. I don’t mind paying, but I don’t have the kind of money to keep doing it for much longer.”
Meanwhile, Jeanette has yet to find anything more long-term than a couple of month-long romances. She says, “Sometimes I turn up and the guys look nothing like their photos, with some there’s just no chemistry despite us having ‘clicked’ online. Others just want sex – one asked me to be his mistress! But I would never do that.
“So after four years of constant rejection I’ve lost hope – but I still struggle to see what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes I just talk to men online for company.”
Jeanette adds that if she hasn’t found love in the next two years, then she’ll give up.
She says, “Something needs to be done to restore the normality of dating in a digital age.”