WHY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS A MYTH

Forget everything you’ve been told in Hollywood films, partnerships need boundaries if they’re going to work

In couple’s therapy, I certain discussions come up again and again, and one of the most common is the misconception around unconditional love, which, thanks to Hollywood films, romantic novels and fairy tales, has somehow become something rational humans think we should be looking for. The reality is that if you think it exists, you’re probably either single or persistently dissatisfied in every relationship you’ve had.

If unconditional love existed, it would mean that, no matter how badly you were treated by your man, you would happily accept it; just loving him would be reward enough. Imagine how awful that would feel, how little respect you would have for yourself, and how stagnant your relationship would be. If, for example, I had loved my first husband unconditionally, I would have accepted his adulterous behaviour, instead of kicking him out of the front door. It would have been like me saying, “Do what you like, it’s all fine as long as you stay in my life.”

That’s why conditions are very important in healthy relationships; they set out the boundaries you both need to respect if you’re to make it work. Great relationships take a lot of effort, and they begin with the acceptance that neither party is perfect and that, at times, you may cause the other pain, but it should never be intentional.

This is how you learn what is acceptable and what is not within your partnership. Making changes based on such insights will add compassion, understanding and mutual respect to your relationship.