Could cheating actually save your relationship?

An extra-marital dating site reports a 320 per cent rise in users in January. Shockingly, half of women who use the agencies say infidelity actually keeps their marriage intact – but is that really the case?

Businessman Sam* is an undeniably good-looking and charming man. He’s also been married for 15 years, but that hasn’t stopped him continually cheating on his wife. Recently, he splashed out an astonishing £3,000 on membership to a bespoke extra-marital affairs matchmaking site that guarantees to find you five potential affair partners.

While Sam’s story is extreme, he isn’t alone. One in five people admit to cheating on their spouse, and the weeks following Christmas are when the number of people looking to cheat on their partner peaks.

Christian Grant, spokesperson for affairs dating site Illicit Encounters, explains, “Seventy per cent of our users say that being cooped up with their partner over the festive period leaves them feeling suffocated and desperate for change. And eight out of ten men who use our site – and half of women – say being in an affair enables them to stay in their marriage, avoiding heartbreak and making the couple happier too. We’ve had hundreds of testimonials from members who are grateful that we’ve given them the platform to help improve and, in some cases, save their relationship.”

It’s an excuse Sam used when he went on a date with undercover Closer reporter Mel Fallowfield.

Over dinner, the 52 year old from north

❛ London claimed that far from wrecking his marriage by having numerous affairs, he was actually saving it.

He said, “Before I got married, I was a serial monogamist – and my relationships never lasted beyond six months, mostly because I got bored. I thought I’d be a bachelor forever. But when I met my wife and fell deeply in love, I genuinely thought it would work – and for five years it did.

“Then the children came along and she seemed to lose interest in me. I’ve been having affairs for the past ten years. I never let them last for longer than a few months, so I don’t get emotionally attached.

“I enjoy the thrill of meeting someone new and finding out what they’re like both in and out of bed. I enjoy seducing women. And without that I’d be so stifled I’d end up walking out of my marriage and leaving my two children.

SAFE SEX

“This way, I’m still with my wife, I’m still with my children and we’re all happy together. I do love my wife, but it’s not enough for me. And if I can have an affair without her finding out, then that suits me. I’m very careful. I always pay in cash and use hotels far away. I travel on business a lot to Liverpool, so I found one affair partner up there. I doubt my wife would suspect for a second. It doesn’t harm her. I always have safe sex – I do feel guilty, but at the same time I think it’s for the best in the long run.”

At the end of the night, Sam went in for a kiss, which our reporter dodged. And, the next day, when the Sarahartley.net people rang to ask if she wanted to see him again, she declined.

Sam’s beliefs are echoed by Jane Ashton*, 44, from Exeter. She’s been having an affair for three years with a man she met through her work as an estate agent.

She says, “I felt trapped in my marriage. My husband is very controlling and emotionally abusive. I’d often cry, hiding in the bathroom, but I couldn’t leave for financial reasons and because of our daughter, who has autism and can’t cope with change.

“My confidence was in shreds when I met Richard* – who’s also married. I didn’t go looking for an affair, but I got on amazingly with Richard and it developed into something I wasn’t expecting.

I DO LOVE MY WIFE, BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME❜

I’m still in no position to leave my husband, but my stolen moments with Richard buoy me up and leave me feeling able to cope with my day-to-day life.

“I don’t like telling the constant lies. I feel horribly guilty, but I can’t see a way round it.”

UNFORGIVABLE

Closer psychologist Emma Kenny disagrees. She was the victim of an affair when her husband started sleeping with her friend ten years ago.

She says, “I knew something was going on about six weeks before I confronted him – there were all the usual signs; he lost weight, looked happier and became very possessive over his phone. When I finally asked him, he tried to deny it and that made me even angrier. It’s what adulterers always do – they try to make you feel as though you’re going mad for suspecting something is going on. Then he admitted it and I told him to leave. He’d destroyed my trust and let me believe we were happily married – he lied to me endlessly, which is unforgivable.

“Sam’s wife might think she’s happy, but that’s based on the fact she thinks she’s married to a faithful, honest husband, who wouldn’t betray her. Sadly, she isn’t.”

Emma adds, “I don’t believe there are any excuses for cheating, although Jane’s case does elicit more sympathy. I believe you can always find a way to end a bad relationship. It’s fairer on everyone to leave a bad marriage than find escape in someone else’s arms.”