Jess Impiazzi:
Glamour model and Celebrity Big Brother star Jess Impiazzi, 28, opens up to Closer’s psychologist Emma Kenny about experiencing grief, witnessing violence and how she’s rebuilt her life following a series of suicide attempts
“I tried to end my life because I felt worthless”
EMMA: Tell me about your childhood…
JESS: It was up and down. Growing up, my mum was great, but she had me in her early twenties when she still liked to drink and party. She had a lot of different boyfriends, which upset me. My biological dad had heavy drinking problems and I didn’t see a great deal of him. Separately, my mum was often beaten up by someone close to her and, though I tried to protect her, there was little I could do. I witnessed all of this as a young girl and it made life a misery.
EMMA: That’s a huge amount of anxiety you were carrying as a child. You’re close to your mum now, but I can sense abandonment issues, because your needs weren’t met.
JESS: I find it hard to talk about it. I only recently told my mum that I barely slept as a child and suffered horrible nightmares. I couldn’t sleep till everyone else was in bed and I never felt safe. Sometimes, I’d sit at my bedroom door till 3am because I was worried something would kick off. I always felt anxious, and I’d feel a sense of dread about what the day might bring.
EMMA: It sounds like you barely had a childhood because your life was spent being protective of others. Growing up, you tried to take your own life twice. Where were you emotionally when you made those decisions?
JESS: When I was 14, I got into theatre school and my acting dreams started taking off, but two years later everything went wrong. My nephew, Charlie, [aged 13 months] became sick one day and, within hours, he was diagnosed with meningitis and put on life support. I watched his eyes roll back while doctors tried to save him. When his life support was switched off, I remember placing my finger inside his hand while he laid in his moses basket – I hoped he would pull through, but he had gone. Months later, my then boyfriend told me he was leaving me to move to Australia. It was so much for me to handle and afterwards I felt so depressed. EMMA: Witnessing death first-hand can leave you with severe post-traumatic stress disorder, which I suspect you have. What happened next?
JESS: When I returned to school, I couldn’t concentrate, and six months later my mum became blind. I left school because I couldn’t cope and needed to look after Mum. But with no career, I couldn’t see the point in life any more – I’d wake up late and sleep as early as I could. I felt like I had nothing to live for, so I took an overdose to try to end my life.
EMMA: Did you get help?
JESS: I was put on antidepressants and I saw a psychiatrist, but I couldn’t bear to drag up my past with anyone. After a while, I started to get my career on track and things got better. But in my early twenties I fell for someone who became manipulative and physically abusive and I tried to overdose again as I felt worthless. It took me a while to see that violence isn’t normal or healthy. EMMA: You’ve had a successful glamour modelling career and appear so confident on the outside, but deep down I think you have a lot of insecurities.
JESS: I think that’s true. Growing up, I was the “ugly duckling” at school and I was exceptionally tiny. Boys never fancied me, and if I asked them out, they’d say yes then tell their friends it was a joke. After Charlie died, I started making myself sick because I felt like I had no control over anything. I snapped out of it as soon as my family noticed I’d become too thin.
EMMA: How’s your mental health now? JESS: I would never try to end my life again because I finally feel good about my future, whereas when I was younger I felt life had no purpose. I have a good career, a growing business, and I’m close with my mum and step-dad. I still suffer from anxiety and I can be nervous around new people, but I use the gym to help me release stress.