Why do so many women ignore their mental health?

With almost half of us feeling too stressed in our daily lives, Closer speaks to women who wish they’d sought help sooner

When mum of three Alana W Kirk’s mother suffered a catastrophic stroke in 2011, just days after the birth of her third daughter, she insisted she could cope. But as her stress levels mounted, she began suffering panic attacks. Nine months later, she stood beside a busy road, her newborn baby in her arms, and felt an overwhelming urge to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic. Terrified Alana, now 48, was taken to see her GP, where she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, exhaustion, and post-natal depression.

SERIOUS EFFECTS

Alana, whose children are now aged 12, ten and seven, recalls, “For months, I pretended that I was fine, but I was crumbling. I thought all mums were this stressed and I just had to deal with it. But when I imagined myself walking into traffic, it finally hit me how serious my problem was.”

There’s been a shocking rise of stress in our daily lives, with stats showing women feel stressed three days more each month than men, and 42 per cent of women reporting they are “too stressed.” Between work, childcare, looking after ageing parents and negative effects of social media, women are often pulled in every direction.

Natasha Devon, author and mental health campaigner, says women are taught from a young age that they can be “perfect” at everything, and this pressure continues into adulthood. She explains, “As a society, we’ve been great at breaking barriers for women, but we’ve not been as good at encouraging men into more traditionally female spaces, so women are still expected to be the main carers for children and ageing parents. Often, we don’t seek help because we think it’s something everyone has to deal with. Or we think that, unless we have been through something seriously traumatic, we don’t deserve help. But this is not the case. Stress has serious effects on long-term health and can lead to depression and even heart disease. It’s vital to seek support if you’re not coping.”

GUILT

Alana, from Dublin, admits to putting her family’s needs before her own. She says, “When I found out about Mum’s stroke, I was inconsolable. We were so close and she had helped me so much with the kids. I left Ruby, who was just days old, to be by my mum’s side.”

Her mum’s stroke left her brain-damaged, paralysed and in need of 24-hour care. Alana says, “Carers came in once a day, and my dad was deemed fit enough to be her main carer – but he was in his 70s and needed my help. My brother lives in Scotland and tried to help when he could.

“I was spoon-feeding Ruby and doing the same for my mum too. It was awful seeing my once-glamorous mum so incapacitated.

“My children, Poppy and Daisy, then aged four and five, were sad that I was away so much, so I felt the pressure to make everything amazing when I was with them and felt constant guilt when I wasn’t there. I couldn’t admit to myself just how much I was struggling but, six months in, I began suffering panic attacks.”

Within months of her mum’s stroke, Alana reached breaking point. She explains, “I felt that magnetic pull towards the road. I didn’t want to commit suicide, I just wanted everything to stop.”

Terrified, Alana called her health visitor, who took her straight to her GP. She explains, “It was such a relief to finally admit how I felt. I was prescribed mild anti-

depressants and went for counselling. The counsellor made me realise that I needed to stop trying to be perfect. It didn’t matter if the house wasn’t pristine or every meal wasn’t cooked from scratch.”

Alana’s mother died in 2016, five years after her stroke. That same year, Alana also separated from her husband. She says, “It was extremely difficult and I was heartbroken, but I managed to cope with the stress as I’d learned how to give myself a break. I wish I’d got help sooner.”

ANXIETY

Katherine Baldwin, 47, also suffered a burnout after her high-pressured career took its toll. Working as a political correspondent, Katherine frequently put in 12-hour days at the office. She explains, “My colleagues and friends seemed to be able to manage their busy lives, but I was struggling.”

Then, in 2006, Katherine’s father passed away and, a year later, she split up with her partner. It all became too much and Katherine’s GP diagnosed her with stress. She was signed off work for six weeks.

She explains, “I ran around desperately trying to ‘fix’ myself with therapy, as I didn’t want to go on anti-depressants. But it didn’t work. I returned to work, but couldn’t cope.”

Eight months later, Katherine took redundancy and started writing about stress and wellbeing. In 2015 she moved to Dorset and became an author. She is now engaged and says she’s never felt happier.

She explains, “I have a more relaxed life now. If I feel stressed, I go for a swim or a walk. I’ve learned to admit to myself when things aren’t OK and ask for help.”

❛ I DIDN’T WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE – I JUST WANTED EVERYTHING TO STOP ❜