How do you cope when your best friend dies?
Closer speaks to women who reveal how the death of a friend is just as agonising as losing a family member – and why we must be open about our grief
Ex-geordie Shore E star Vicky Pattison was left devastated last month after the sudden death of her best friend, Paul Burns. Vicky had partied with Paul to celebrate his 37th birthday, and was left stunned when she found out he’d passed away just hours later. Posting an emotional tribute to her oldest friend on Instagram, she wrote, “I will never get over losing you and this still doesn’t feel real.”
It’s a pain that supermodel Kate Moss shares. Last week, she posted a photo of close friend Annabelle Neilson, 49, with a broken heart emoji after it emerged the socialite had been found dead at her London home.
And former TOWIE star Danielle Armstrong, 30, recently lost her best friend of 20 years, Sammy, to breast cancer.
Danielle took to Instagram the day after her friend’s death, writing, “Last night we lost a princess and gained an angel. I can’t even find the words to describe how I’m feeling.”
DEVASTATING LOSS
Psychotherapist Toby Ingham says, “The death of a friend is extremely difficult, as often they are around the same age and mirror your life and experiences. A lot of people may have difficult relationships with their family and are therefore closer to their friends or rely on them more. It’s like losing a part of yourself. Plus if they have died young, it’s often more of a shock than when an elderly family member dies.
“We don’t know how to talk about grief, so we often try to distance ourselves from people who are going through it. But it’s important to reach out, even if you’re worried about saying the wrong thing – just a message to say that you are sorry for their loss is better than nothing. The most important thing is to recognise that your grief as a friend is no less than that of a closer family member. Allow yourself that time to cry or feel angry. Grief takes a long time to process, so it’s important to keep talking about it.”
Kate Gosnold, 40, lost her best friend Lucy in 2015 when she died at the age of 37 after a yearlong battle with breast cancer.
She says, “I’d known Lucy since we were 16. I was closer to her than some of my family; she knew everything about me. Your friends are your chosen family, they’re relationships you’ve spent years developing.”
Kate, a stay-athome mum from Bedfordshire, met Lucy at college when they were 16. She says, “In our teens, we bonded over boys, family and nights out. Then in our 20s, we had amazing holidays to Paris, Cuba and Prague. But Lucy was also there for me when I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and supported me through fertility struggles and a miscarriage in my 30s.”
In 2012, Kate moved to Bournemouth for work, but the friends spoke daily. Kate says, “Lucy had a great job in design and a partner she’d been seeing for a while. She was excited for the future. We wanted to go to Las Vegas for our 40th birthdays.”
BIG SHOCK
But in April 2014, Lucy was diagnosed with breast cancer. Kate says, “She’d had a cyst on her breast for a while, but she’d been told it was harmless, so the news came as a big shock. I convinced her to come down for the weekend and we spent it alternating between crying and trying to stay positive.”
Kate then travelled back and forth between Bournemouth and Hertfordshire to support Lucy while she underwent a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She explains, “That December, I moved home so I could be close to her. My partner, Gareth, 38, was happy to move back with me as he knew how I felt, so we relocated together.
Lucy was more open with me
❛I DIDN’T GET THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE – I FELT NUMB AND EMPTY❜
about her worries than anyone – she didn’t have to be positive around me all the time. Still, we started planning what we’d do when Lucy was better.”
But in April 2015, Lucy was given the news that her cancer was terminal as the cancer had gone to the brain. Kate says, “We thought she had a year, but a month later it had also spread to her liver, lungs and bones. She was given just days to live. She called me to tell me the news and I was floored. It was hard to find the words to say, but I told her how much I loved her and we cried together. I was due to visit her the next day, but as I was getting ready to go to her house, her sister rang to tell me she’d slipped away at home that morning. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. I told Lucy all the time I loved her, but I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. I went straight over to her parents’ house to be with them. But in the days that followed, I felt numb and empty.”
BITTERSWEET
Three days after Lucy passed away, Kate received the bittersweet news that she was pregnant. She explains, “I should have been ecstatic after years of fertility troubles, but I felt too sad. In some ways, it was like a gift from Lucy, but she should have been here for me to tell her the news myself. I probably would have told her before I told Gareth.
“I was signed off from my thenjob in an ambulance control room as it was a high-risk pregnancy and I spent days at home crying. But after a few weeks, I started to worry about the effect on the baby and tried to make myself focus on that. At the 20-week scan, when we found out I was having a girl, it felt like a miracle. When I told Lucy’s parents, they were elated and agreed I could give her the middle name of Lucy.”
Seren Lucy was born in 2016, and Kate says that, while she has a new focus, she’ll never forget her friend. She explains, “In the early days, there is such an outpouring of support, but life goes on. When it’s not a family member, people often forget what you’re going through. I’m lucky I’m still close to Lucy’s family, as they’re the only ones who understand the pain.
“I’ve read that your grief never goes away, but your world around it widens. Seren has been my saviour, but the pain won’t ever leave me. Seren is now two and I’ve shown her photos of Lucy. We visit Lucy’s parents all the time and we’ve all been raising money through various events for Breast Cancer Now in Lucy’s memory.
“Sometimes I feel angry that all the years of effort I put into our friendship have been lost and I can’t bring myself to try that with anyone else. But then I remember that I’m lucky to have had such a great friendship – some people never have that.”