‘I tried to take my own life because motherhood terrified me’

Lauren Scott, 23, L thought having a baby would complete her life, but it nearly destroyed it. She says, “My partner Duncan and I were thrilled when I fell pregnant, but then I started to worry that I wouldn’t be a good enough mum. I pushed it to the back of my mind though and didn’t tell anyone how I felt.

TERRIFIED OF FAILING

“When our daughter Evie was born in October 2014, I felt an instant connection with her. But my anxieties started to creep back in again, and even though everyone kept telling me I was doing a great job, I worried that I would never be a good enough mum to her.

“When Evie was four weeks old, I looked at her in her cot one day and felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. It was like looking at a stranger. I knew I loved Evie, but I was so terrified of failing as a mum that from that moment on, I switched off my feelings for her. Over the next two weeks, I pretended everything was fine. Then, one morning, I admitted my feelings to Duncan and he took me to see the GP. I wasn’t offered counselling, but diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND) and prescribed antidepressants. But they just numbed my feelings towards Evie even more. I would feed her, bathe her and change her nappy, but I was just going through the motions.

“By February 2015, I was at breaking point, but too ashamed to admit how I felt. One morning, Duncan left for

work and, a few hours later, I put Evie down for her nap then sent a text to him, my mum and Duncan’s mum saying, “I’m sorry I’m not good enough.” Then I went to the bathroom and took an overdose of pills. Everyone was trying to get hold of me, but by the time Duncan’s mum found me, I was unconscious.

FEELING GUILTY

“When I came to in North Cumbria University Hospital several hours later, my family were sitting beside my bed. The devastation was written all over their faces. I was told that I’d had a heart attack and that doctors had fought hard to save my life. I felt so guilty for what I’d put everyone through but most of all, I felt terrible for letting Evie down. Over the next three days, I stayed in hospital while doctors made sure my heart was stable and the mental health crisis team referred me for psychotherapy treatment twice a week.

“When I came home, I held Evie close, never wanting to let her go again. A social worker visited and told me that as I’d been deemed high-risk, Evie would be taken away from me if I didn’t get better. It made me even more determined to turn things around. Over the coming weeks, the family rallied around, making sure I had enough support to look after Evie. Gradually, I started to get back on my feet and made a proper effort to get to know my baby.

GETTING STRONGER

“The social worker could see how well we were doing and ended her visits after a few months. I continued going to my psychotherapy sessions and, when I felt stronger, I began taking Evie, who’s now four, to some local mother and baby groups. As I got to know the other mums there, I started opening up about my PND and I was shocked that so many of them related to the feelings I’d experienced.

“That’s why it’s so important to talk openly about the illness. It can happen to anyone and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. The woman I became when Evie was born is like a stranger to me. I just wish I’d sought help earlier.

“Evie is four years old now and has grown into a bubbly, independent little girl. She’s my best friend and always will be.”