‘Motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be’
Clare Macnaughton, 47, lives in Salisbury with her two children, Ben, 15, and Bella, ten. She says, “I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of getting married and having babies. All I wanted was to leave home and travel the world – which I did, aged 18, when I moved to the South of France to become a sailing instructor. Afterwards, I went to university and began working in PR. It wasn’t until 1997, when I met my husband, Hagar, now 49, and fell in love that I could even think about marriage – and after four years, in November 2001, we did it. We didn’t ever really discuss having a family, but we didn’t use contraception either. One year later, I was pregnant.
“Was I happy? I can’t really remember. But I hated being pregnant. I gained 5st, I had high blood pressure and my feet swelled up. My labour was induced and it was horrific. In the end, I was raced to theatre for an emergency C-section and, finally, my son Ben was born.
“But I didn’t know how to be a mum and my baby didn’t sleep. Ben fed constantly and my nipples blistered – I kept trying, but he’d still stay awake all night. And I was the first in my friendship group to be married and have a child. I rarely got to see my friends and, when I did, they quietly judged me for being a bad mum because my son didn’t sleep. I’d be reluctantly invited to dinner parties – but on the condition that Ben would be sound asleep in his carry cot.
“I felt like a failure, and it only got worse. Ben was a very wilful toddler – if he didn’t want food, he’d refuse to eat, leaving me feeling panicky. Hagar was in the military and often away, and I could feel the other army wives looking at me and writing me off as chaotic. One even signed Ben up for nursery, another to gymnastics classes – they, rightly, guessed I wouldn’t
get round to it myself.
“Despite not taking to motherhood, I loved Ben enormously. And when he was four, my husband and I decided to have another child. I didn’t want Ben to be an only child, coping alone when we were old.
“My daughter was a far easier baby in most ways. I don’t know whether that was because I had a vague idea of what to do by then, or if it was just her personality. But two children was double the work and I still found much of motherhood dull and repetitive. I would sit with other mothers and question what I was doing there, as they discussed the contents of their little darlings’ nappies.
“I struggled with the lack of freedom, too. For years, I was a sleep-deprived mess who couldn’t even go to the toilet on my own, when all I wanted to do was travel the world. And children are all-encompassing, you have to sacrifice all of yourself for their needs. I was going to travel, but now I live in Salisbury and work freelance in communications.
“Hagar expected me to love motherhood. His own mum has albums filled with his every milestone. I struggle to remember my kids’ first words!
“Hagar and I separated in 2010, partly due to the stress of having children. But we still co-parent. And despite regretting motherhood, I love my children. I’d throw myself in front of a bus for them and we’re really close.
“But it doesn’t get easier as they get older – I’ve swapped a crying baby for a hormonal teen. I feel like I sold my younger self out. I sacrificed my freedom and I’m now tied down to their routine – which bores me.
“I’d never advise them not to have children – they’re individuals who might love being parents. I have mentioned that I regret having them, although I’m not sure they believe me, and I don’t want to upset them by talking about it.
“There’s a taboo about saying you regret having children, but I do say it, despite adoring them. And I empathise with women who are afraid to say they don’t want children. It’s a life-long commitment. You can’t put them back – but hindsight is a wonderful thing.”
❛ I SACRIFICED MY FREEDOM AND NOW I’M TIED DOWN TO A BORING ROUTINE ❜
I Hate Housework by Clare Macnaughton is available on Amazon.co.uk.