“I was born without a vagina – but my sex life is amazing”
Tara Hockaday was born with no vagina, womb or fallopian tubes, but pioneering surgery has transformed her love life and given her the hope of motherhood
Growing up without a vagina, Tara Hockaday, always knew that she was different from other girls. As a child, she felt isolated and ashamed of her body.
Her condition affected her relationships and she always avoided having sex as an adult – despite having surgery as a teen to use part of her bowel to create a vaginal canal.
But after meeting her partner, Stuart Pretswell, 34, four years ago, Tara says she finally feels accepted. And, as well as having a healthy sex life, the pair are even planning to have a baby.
Tara, 37, who is a support worker and lives in Northumberland with Stuart, says, “I was only a toddler when my parents discovered that my vagina hadn’t formed properly and I had no womb, cervix or fallopian tubes. As I grew up, I was really embarrassed and tried to keep my condition a secret.
“But now I finally feel like the woman I was always meant to be – my sex life is very fulfilled and we’re even planning to have a family with the help of a surrogate.”
STUNNED
Tara, whose urinary system is normal, first started experiencing health problems when she was just three.
She says, “My parents took me to the doctor as I kept having kidney infections. I spent a long time in Newcastle Children’s Hospital and was given antibiotics to try to control the symptoms. But although my body looked normal from the outside, scans revealed that I had no vaginal canal, womb, cervix or fallopian tubes. Doctors also assumed I had no ovaries as they couldn’t see them.
“Everyone was stunned and no one knew what could be done because they’d never seen anything like it before.
“However, they explained that I would never have periods and that my condition meant I was infertile.”
Although Tara’s parents were always honest with her about her condition, it was only as she grew up that she began to understand the implications.
She says, “When I started secondary school, my friends would talk about periods and how many children they wanted to have in the future. I’d stay quiet and felt like the odd one out.
“I didn’t know anyone else who was suffering from my condition and although I told a couple of my closest friends, they couldn’t really understand.”
TERRIFIED
Aged 14, and with the support of her family, Tara opted for surgery to create a vaginal canal to enable her to have sex in the future.
She says, “I was so young that I’d never had a boyfriend before and I felt completely overwhelmed. But doctors knew that I was at an age where I’d be considering have sex for the first time in a few years – and said that having the operation would mean that I could have a normal sex life in the future.
“The surgery involved using two inches of my bowel to create a new vaginal tunnel and took five hours. I was terrified something would go wrong.
“Following the operation, I also had to endure dilation therapy every day for two years
– where a cylinder-shaped device was inserted into my vagina to expand its size and make the tissue more elastic.
“The pain was excruciating, but I knew that it would be worth it in the end.”
But the experience put Tara off having sex.
She says, “I didn’t meet anyone I trusted enough to sleep with until I was 18. I was incredibly nervous that they might be freaked out, I wouldn’t enjoy it or that it would hurt – but to my surprise, everything was fine. I finally felt normal.
“It was just like regular sex and I got as much pleasure as any other woman.”
However, Tara’s condition made it difficult to hold down a serious relationship.
DESPERATE
She says, “I was very open about my condition and would tell my boyfriends about it before I slept with them.
“All of them were accepting. However, eventually they’d break up with me as they wanted children in the future.
“I was desperate to have a family of my own – so it broke my heart.”
It wasn’t until 2014 that Tara was formally diagnosed with Mayer-rokitanksky-küsterHauser syndrome (MRKH) after reading an article about it in the news.
She says, “The girl in the article seemed to have all the same issues as me. So I called the doctors she mentioned in the article and they told me I had MRKH too. It was such a relief to finally have a label for my condition. Doctors also revealed that people with MRKH usually have ovaries hidden behind their pelvis. I had a scan which showed I had two healthy ovaries. It meant that it was possible for me to have children via a surrogate. I could have cried with joy.”
After her diagnosis, Tara joined a Facebook group for people with the condition and made lots of new friends.
She says, “It was amazing to have such a strong support network. I’d always felt so alone.”
And when Tara met Stuart through work in 2015, she knew she’d found her soulmate.
She says, “We didn’t have sex straight away and were together a few months before I told him I had MRKH, but he didn’t bat an eyelid and said he loved me regardless.
“We wanted to take things slowly but, when we did sleep together after three months, it was amazing. Stuart was such a thoughtful and considerate lover and I trusted him completely. I knew he was The One.”
The couple moved in together in 2016 and are now keen to have a family of their own.
DREAM COME TRUE
Tara says, “We looked into our options, such as going on the womb transplant list, but sadly I’m too old. But other women with my condition have had babies using a surrogate so, in 2017, I had IVF on the NHS and we successfully created two embryos using my eggs and Stuart’s sperm.
“Now we’re just waiting for the right surrogate to come along – by going to events and talking to potential surrogates on online forums.
“We’ve still got a long journey ahead of us, but I lived my whole life thinking I’d never be able to have my own children, so it would be a dream come true.”
❛ FRIENDS TALKED ABOUT PERIODS & HOW MANY KIDS THEY WANTED – I FELT LIKE THE ODD ONE OUT ❜