The shock rise in couples who can’t afford to separate
The number of partners forced to live together because they don’t have the money to break up is increasing. Closer talks to two women who were in this position…
When Fiona Williams broke up with her estranged husband Rhys, 43, she thought they’d divide their belongings and part ways. But two years on, the pair have no other option but to carry on living together. Fiona longs to move into a place of her own with their three children, Rhian, 15, Thomas, seven, and David, five, but the former couple simply can’t afford to run two homes.
LIVING IN LIMBO
Fiona, 44, who lives near Glasgow, says, “We get on with it as best we can, but it’s not ideal. He sleeps in the living room, so I still end up picking up after him. I feel stressed all the time, as we can’t get on with our lives. I can tell just by the way he turns the key in the door what sort of mood he’s in, and if he’s in a bad one, my heart sinks. His moodiness was part of the reason I split up with him, and I still can’t get away from it. We can’t move on with our lives separately, and I can’t see an end to the situation we’re in because we can’t afford anything else.”
Fiona’s story isn’t unusual. Statistics released earlier this year showed that a third of women stay in a relationship because they can’t afford to move out.
FORCED TO ADAPT
And a recent report revealed that one in six former couples are forced to live together following their split due to financial reasons. The figure has risen from one in 10 since 2014, and with 42 per cent of marriages ending in divorce, there are many former couples living in limbo like Fiona.
Closer’s psychological therapist Emma Kenny, who runs her own counselling service, says, “I’m seeing more and more of this. It’s not as if you can just move to a cheaper area as, if kids are involved, you will most probably share custody. And there are schools and friendship groups to consider. Splitting up a long-term relationship is inevitably painful. Both parties usually need space and time to regroup before they can move on and form a new relationship with each other based on, for example, co-parenting. Being forced to adapt while living together is very tough. The key to making it work is communication, setting boundaries and being prepared to compromise.”
Fiona and Rhys – who works in training – are not yet divorced and are now managing to cohabit relatively amicably, but in the beginning it was tough. They’d been together for 16 years, after meeting at a call centre at which they both worked. They went on to have three children but, over time, the differences between them became ever more apparent.
Fiona explains, “I love going out, whereas Rhys likes to stay in and play computer games. He can be very moody, whereas I’m really laid-back. There wasn’t a defining moment when I knew I couldn’t stay married to him; more a gradual realisation that I was unhappy and needed to separate.
“But when we started talking about the practicalities, I realised that much as I wanted to start afresh, it wouldn’t be possible. We only have one wage at the moment because I suffer with depression and am not working. I struggled with postnatal depression and now have anxiety as well. Because of our dire financial situation, we’re stuck together. If we sold the house, we wouldn’t have enough money to then buy or rent two places to house the kids. I just have to hope that I can get back to work now that David has started school, and get some money behind me.”
RESPECTFUL
In the two-bedroomed house, which they own, Fiona sleeps in the ex-marital bedroom and the boys share the other bedroom. Rhys has taken over the living room.
Fiona says, “To start with, it was hell, but in the last year we’ve got on better, and are more respectful of each other and our situation.
“It works well with the boys, as neither of us has to worry about babysitters if we’re going out. Our eldest, Rhian, knows what’s going on. But the other two are too young to take in the details. We often end up eating together as a family and will even sit and watch TV together at the weekend when the boys stay up later.
“I’ve never considered giving it another go with Rhys – I knew it was over. And I’ve got a new boyfriend now, Gary, who I’ve been with for about 18 months, but my sons don’t know about him yet. Rhys also goes out on dates but isn’t with anyone else. He struggles with the fact that I have met someone, though Gary is very accepting of the situation. We make the best of it, but the day I can move out and move on properly will be the happiest day of my life.” By Mel Fallowfield