‘You get through grief minute by minute’
Victoria Milligan lives with her three surviving children, Amber, now 18, Olivia, 17, and Kit, 11, in London.
She says, “I know all too well what Vanessa is going through. Losing a child is unimaginably horrific. You ache to see them again, to tuck them up in bed one more time, to read them one more story. To lose your husband at the same time – the man you want to turn to, to get through the grief – is agonising.
“Grief is different for everyone, but I’d tell Vanessa not to hide her emotions from her children, hug them and cry with them. They’ll get through this together.
“I was on holiday in Cornwall in May 2013 with Nick and our children, Amber, then 12, Olivia, 10, Emily, eight, and Kit, four. The weather was glorious, so one afternoon, we decided to go out on our speedboat. It was a fantastic family afternoon. “We were about to head back when the kids asked us to do one last spin around the estuary. It was a perfect storm of events that collided to cause a horrific accident. The boat went out of control and the six of us were flung out into the freezing sea. As the kill cord, which would have stopped the engine, wasn’t attached to me or Nick, the boat kept spinning round on its own.
NUMB
“As I surfaced, I remember seeing the boat spinning around in circles, coming back at us again and again. Kit was nearby, so I grabbed him and managed to swim away, but I was so disorientated. I wasn’t sure where the others were. The boat swerved towards me again, winding me, and I felt a cut to my leg. Then I heard Amber screaming, “Daddy’s dead.”
“The next thing I knew, the RNLI had come to rescue us. A crew member had managed to jump aboard the boat and cut the engine.
“I was drifting in and out of consciousness, but at hospital, a policeman informed me that both Nick and Emily had died. I was completely numb. I even apologised to him for having to break such bad news.
“My leg had to be amputated below the knee, Kit has needed 20 operations to save his right leg, Amber was left with scars on her thigh and hand, and only Olivia survived unscathed.
“At the time, I wondered how I could ever get through it. I was jealous that Nick didn’t have to cope with such intense grief and I was haunted by ‘what ifs’.
“Back home, I had four friends who were amazing. They helped me with practicalities, like updating everyone on what was
happening. But being a mum is what gave me strength. The children had already lost a father and a sister – they couldn’t lose me too.
DESTROYED
“I read every book on grief that I could get hold of, hoping there was a path I could embark on. But there is no set strategy on how to handle that kind of pain. I just had to get through it, minute by minute. But grief is a strange thing. You can be having a ‘good’ day walking around the supermarket, and then suddenly you see your husband’s or daughter’s favourite cereal and you end up as a crying mess.
“I remember the first time I laughed properly. It was on my 42nd birthday, just over two months after the accident. I’d sat in the garden having a drink with friends and we’d had a great night. We’d laughed, which had released a lot of emotion. I woke up the following morning feeling guilty. But it has to happen – life has to go on.
“I felt the same when I started caring about my appearance again, as Kit had commented that I looked scary. How could I be worrying about my hair when my family had been destroyed? But it was good to feel like me again, too.
“I’ve dated since Nick died, but nothing has come of it and at the moment I’m quite happy. My children need me more than ever as they grow up and they are absolutely my priority.”
By Mel Fallowfield